Opinion

25 Comments Parents With Older Kids Need To Stop Saying To New Parents

If you have young children and know parents of older kids, I bet you have heard at least one of these fly out of their yapping jaws before

I need to thank all the parents who have given me good, sound advice. Not only are you a beacon of hope in my life, but you are also a diamond in the rough, because many, many other parents are complete dumbasses. Now, those parents with older kids…

Perhaps they have just forgotten what its like to have little kids, like, still-needs-a-diaper little or still-wants-to-ride-in-the-grocery-cart little.

If you have young children and know parents of older kids, I bet you have heard at least one of these fly out of their yapping jaws before:

Sounds like you and your husband need a date night. Get a sitter and go; it cant be that hard.

(Cool, Ill just leave my kids in a basket on someones doorstep with a few applesauce pouches and an iPad, NBD.)

Getting a child to sleep is easy. Just put her in the crib and walk away. (Did did you just say sleep and easy in the same sentence to me? One throat punch, coming up.)

When you say you need mommy time, it makes you sound selfish. (When you say that, it makes you sound like an asshole.)

He rubbed a dirty diaper all over the carpet again? You need to put a stop to that. (Oh, I was going to let it continue because my carpet-scrubbing skills need practice.)

Why does your hair look like that? (Yikes. Is it baby food? Poop? Play-Doh? No? My hair is just messy and greasy? I call that a win.)

Why is she crying so much? (Because shes a baby.)

Why does he need his diaper changed again? (Because hes a baby.)

Why is he obsessed with pulling on your hair? (Because hes a baby.)

Why is she always trying to jump off the couch? (Because shes a baby.)

You look so tired, poor thing! Baby keeping you up? (I actually thought I looked great today, but thanks for that.)

You know, you really shouldnt let the kids draw on the walls. (Unless this becomes the new look, in which case, Im a fucking trendsetter.)

If you put your kid in time out more, he wont tantrum. (GTFO.)

Oh, just throw the kids in the car and drive 400 miles to come see us because we miss you. Thats easy, right? (Well even sing Kumbaya and hold hands the whole way!)

What in the world are you feeding her? That diaper was horrendous. (I know, right? Her diapers typically smell like rainbow-flavored ice cream kisses.)

I mean, does it REALLY matter if she skips a nap? (Do I REALLY need to answer that?)

If you disciplined your child more, he wouldnt want to run around the room like that. (Right. Lets beat kids into quiet submission.)

Why do you complain about being a parent? Its not that bad. (Die. Just die.)

So, the hotel is $400 a night, and the plane tickets are $500 each. Isnt that so affordable? (Wave good-bye to your college educations, children.)

Well, you can save money by sleeping in the same room as your kids for a week straight. (Sleeping?)

Wow, your home/body/face/life USED to look so good what happened? (Kids.)

We dont eat dinner until 8 p.m., but Im sure your family will be fine with that tonight, right? (WE dont care, but my kids will probably murder you and eat you before you ever make it to appetizers.)

My kids never did that. (Yes, they did.)

No, really, my kids would NEVER do something like that. (Then you got lucky.)

It wasnt luck. I just knew how to handle my kids. (No, it was luck, and suggesting otherwise makes you a dickhead.)

Im not trying to be rude, but I mean, your kids are just, well, they are just …

(Kids! They are kids! I have little kids and its tough and Im tired and the house is always dirty and this is just life when you have little kids. Congratulations on your perfect existence; I hope your grandchildren hate you.)

Kate Meier has two kids and zero tolerance for people who criticize parents for bullshit reasons. Go enjoy her sarcastic sense of humor at her blog, My Kind of Parenting, or here on Facebook.

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