Opinion

How To Apologize To Your Kid For Their Awful First Name

So you gave your child a stupid first name. You're not alone. Here's how to make it up to him and her without having to say you're sorry.

So you gave your child an awful first name. You’re not alone. Here’s how to make it up to him and her without having to say you’re sorry.

Naming a baby isnt easy. Ill admit as much. Check out my last name. I can sympathize with trying to find a unique baby name that works. That said, there are thousands and thousands of perfectly acceptable names for kids.

But nope. People have to be different. People have to pick random, awful and asinine names like Anakin, Katniss or their favorite Instagram filter.

I was watching an episode of “Yo Gabba Gabba” and thought maybe the months of sleep deprivation had caught up with my mind. I heard the names come from my TV, saw the spelling, repeated the names out loud, looked at the spelling once again and started a nationwide manhunt for the parents stupid enough to name their twin daughters Xanthe and Xoe (pronounced Zanthe and Zoe).

A kid’s first name wont matter for the firstcouple years, but the minute the other little Hersey squirters learn how to speak and talk, theyll find a way to torture your child about their stupid name. It will last until they are dead and buried or pay the money to change it legally.

You gave the kid an awful first name. It happens. Make it up to them by doing one or all of the following awesome things.

Give The KidAn Awesome Nickname

They need a sweet as balls nickname. Sweet AS balls. Not actually Sweet Balls. Unless it suits the bill.

You can quickly erase a bad name by giving the little tike a badass nickname to carry with him/her through life.

A couple of cool nicknames off the top of my head are Hammer, Jagged Blade, Danger Lips and Scurvy. For girls, something cool like Queen, Fists of Steel or What Bitch? (question mark included) are good monikers that should keep the other catty women at bay for a few decades.

stupid name

Dont: No unoriginal play on their real name like B-Dog. No damn initials.

Train The Kid To Be A Lethal Weapon

Since youve already set him or her up to be teased every single day of school until graduation, the least you can do is train them to be a silent assassin should they have to defend themselves from bullies and bitches.

Enlist the help of a retired Marine. Turn your basement into a dojo and send the kid downstairs for an hour every day to work on techniques to paralyze anopponent on the playground or behind the 7-11 after school. Remind the kid that teachers and some authority figures might be a bully in disguise. Aim to maim.

Dont: Train them yourself unless youre also an assassin with no soul. It wont be easy punching your offspring in the face. Well, sometimes it isnt easy.

Dick Pole Boston Red Sox
Thanks,mom and dad!

Turn The Kid Into A Meme

Few people get a real fifteen minutes of fame. The fact is, with the internet, there are no more fifteen minutes because infamy can go on for months, years and decades. Make up for the fact that you named your kid after a dish detergent by making them a superstar on the world wide web. Turn your child into a meme. Catch the kid in the act of doing something adorable like being drugged up after a painful dental procedure (“Is this real life?”) or while on the beach making sand castles.

Dont: Take the shortcut and do a reality show. “Toddlers and Tiaras” is a sting operation for pedophiles and parents who should lose custody. Youve been warned, yall.

Buy The Kid A Shark

Do you know any kids with a pet shark? Exactly. The little brat couldhave a first name like Bastion or Uranus. It won’t matter if they own a shark. They will be the envy of every little kid within a hundred mile radius. Once the kids outside of a hundred miles find out about the pet shark, your kid will instantly be popular. Theyll have a hundred friends over every day all wanting to watch the shark during feeding time.

Whats on the menu today? Surfer arms and the neighbors dog, Foxy Boxer.

Dont: Cheap out and buy a dolphin.

Host booze parties

Remember the cool parents back in the day that let their kids and their friends drink? They even bought the booze and handed it out but took the keys from everyone at the door. Welcome to You 2.0. Double the awesome because you look like the cool parent in front of all the kids AND you know exactly where your children are on a Tuesday afternoon. After twenty minutes, call the cops, leave the house and wait for them to arrive. Then pull up right behind them and ask your kid just what the hell is going on here?!?

The kid has to forgive you. You bought him or her a shark.

Dont: Buy every buy Mikes Hard Anything for the party. Christ, did that need to be said?

Give Their Sibling An Even Worse First Name

You screwed up. You were a young, impressionable parent and didnt realize the lifelong effect such a stupid name like Justin Time or Bluebell Madonna was going to have on their psyche.

Make it up to them by giving them a younger sibling with an even stupider first name. For every Jaafar Jackson, there is a Jermajesty. For every Apple Martin, there is a Moses. It softens the blow to know there is someone else suffering the same pain, for much longer. It also makes up for the fact the kid has such an asshole for a parent.

Dont: Give your kid a stupid name.

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