Opinion

17 Things I Plan On Doing To My Kid’s First Car Just For Payback!

Someday my kids are going to have their own cars, and its going to be an awesome opportunity for revenge. Here are a few things I plan to do in my childrens first new rides so that they will understand how tolerant I was of their back seat bullshit.

Crap my pants while in the McDonalds drive-thru.

Shove Silly Putty between the seats.

Hide a container of milk beneath the front seat on a sunny day.

Write fart on the back seat on the firstcar.

Argue with the driver over whether or not he needs to use the blinker when pulling into his own driveway.

Unbuckle and fart on the driver while stopped at a red light.

Make it rain granola.

Chew up a gummy bear, decide I dont like it, and insist on spitting it into the hand of the driver.

Climb inside their first car with dog crapon my shoes.

Scream because I dont want to wear my seatbelt.

Take my pants off while on a drive to Wal-Mart.

Shove French fries into all reachable crevices.

Throw my shoe at a passenger.

Repeatedly touch the person sitting next to me.

Place a booger on my tongue and show it to everyone in the car.

Leave a half eaten lunch under the front seat for an entire summer.

Invent a lame talent on the fly and insist that the driver watch me do it while we are on the freeway.

I doubt I will have the audacity to do any of this. But its fun to imagine isnt it? What would you like to do in your childrens first car?

Clint Edwardsswork has been featured on Good Morning America, The New York Times, The Washington PostandThe Huffington Post. Hes the author of the bookThis Is Why We Cant Have Nice Things.

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