Just The Notes

Parenting Tip #300 – Flushing Your Life Down The Toilet

There’s a not-so-silent war going on in my house these days and it involves the position of the toilet seat.

She wants it down at all times.

My 6-year-old is incredibly adeptat remembering this simple request.

My daughter still “makes”in a bucket next to the sink. One day we’ll break down and actually buyher a training potty.

I can’t remember to put the seat down.

Occasionally I’ll remember. I’ll always think about it while peeing but can’t hold that thought in my head for as long as it takes to finish my business.

You could say I just piss the thought away. You could also say I write for a CBS sitcom with that joke.

Parenting Tip #300 – Flushing Your Life Down The Toilet

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I'm thinking about just removing all the toilets #kids

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In an effort to remember to put the seat down when I’m done I’m going to attempt the following and see which works out best:

…pee with the seat down but cover up

…pee with the cover down, through the opening between the bowl and the seat. If you think that’s impossible you’re not a guy. Ask any guy if they’ve ever golden showered their own underwear while sitting on the throne. If he says “no”, he’s a liar.

…pee in the backyard

…pee in the neighbor’s yard (if you happen to be my neighbor, I mean THE OTHER neighbor)

…use my daughter’s bucket

…use the litter box

…get my own litter box after the cat attacks in the middle of a midnight visit

..never pee in my house again and use the gas station down the street

So far, only the last bullet point has been successful. I’ve been holding in the urine for the entire job interview at the gas station. I figured I’m here so much…


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Chris Illuminati is a freelance writer and published author. Follow him on Twitter (@chrisilluminati), Instagram (@messagewithabottle) or email him at cilluminati@gmail.com.

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