It’s officially spring break. Next week, the kids are going away for a week with their mom. That means I’ll officially be on spring break.
I have jack shit planned and I plan on enjoying every single damn minute of the week.
Please enjoy this collection dad jokes, mom puns, funny tweets, memes, and regular old rants from parents just like us.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) April 14, 2022
3yo: I'm done being your sweet boy.
3yo: Being a mean boy is more fun.
— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) April 13, 2022
Homegrown, organic, ethically-raised tiddies.
— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) April 13, 2022
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
— Elisa Stone Leahy (@ElisaStoneLeahy) April 13, 2022
4: “Mama, can I watch a PJ Masks?”
Me: “Sure. Is it on YouTube?”
4: “I think it’s On the Man (OnDemand).”
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) April 14, 2022
7: Mom! I know why it’s called Uranus! Because it’s filled with gas!
-my daughter, probably not winning any science fairs in the near future.
— @love.you.memeit (@LMemeit) April 14, 2022
“Mommy do you ever look in the mirror, not recognize who it is, and get a crush on them?”
-my 7yo, with probable narcissistic personality disorder
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) April 13, 2022
In case you’re thinking about having children.
I found my daughters gecko in the refrigerator after it had been dead for a week.
She had put it in there waiting for good weather so she could bury it.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) April 13, 2022
Nothing makes you feel like a shittier parent than doing something stupid; like forgetting to buckle your 5-year-old into the car.
— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) April 14, 2022
3yo: I pooped in the potty.
Me: Awesome! Let me see. *looks in the potty* Um..Where is it?
3yo: I show you *skips away*
Me: I am afraid to follow you.
— The REAL Messy Mom (@TheREALMessyMom) April 12, 2022
My 7yo pointed out that I served his grilled cheese upside down, if you’re wondering how parenting goes sometimes.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) April 10, 2022
Me: I'm an adult so I can order Ubereats whenever I want to
Teens emerging from their rooms as uber pings on their phones
Me: Oh god what have I done?
— Lara 🌏⬇️🐨 (@Eithercryingor) April 12, 2022
Today, my 4-year-old put on a clean pair of underwear over his old one. When I pointed that out, he shrugged as if to say, "It's Thursday, at least I'm wearing underwear."
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) April 14, 2022
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) April 14, 2022
The ideal gift for this week borders on vague, but fear not because you’ve found a pic.twitter.com/T8D58MlcHI
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) April 14, 2022
12 y/o daughter learned Power Point and offered to help me make one for court with bunnies in the background but I told her it probably needed to be more serious than that.
12: OK, I can put top hats on the bunnies.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) April 14, 2022
Daughter: I love you mom but you bother me a lot
Me: it’s ok baby you bother me too sometimes
Daughter: MOM THATS SO MEAN
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) April 13, 2022
My daughter not only finished my ice cream, but then put the empty carton back in the freezer, so I've started the process of updating my will.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 12, 2022
You may be tough, but you’re not “just sat through a 4th grade recorder concert” tough.
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) April 14, 2022
my wife told the boys if they ate all the lemon cupcakes she'll kill them. i told them i'm going to eat all the cupcakes and blame them.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) April 14, 2022
If I missed your favorite tweet or meme for the week, let me know! Please remember to subscribe to my website to never miss an update if you haven’t already.
And if you haven’t checked out my line of customized Post-It Notes with 3M, you should do so immediately!