Opinion

How To Fake A Nap – Real Advice For Tired Parents

Learning how to fake a nap is a skill every parent should master.

I’m not just talking about faking out the kids. I’m talking about going full method acting here and tricking a spouse. The kids are easy. Some kids believe people sleep with their eyes open just like creepydolls or that homeless guy on the bench by a school.

With the holidays approaching, a significant portion of time will be spent with kids (and relatives you’re lukewarm about) so the proper technique on how to fake a nap will come in handy. You’ll use it more than that multi-purpose wrench from your mother-in-law. “Oh fantastic, this tool is perfect for all the things I don’t know how to fix!”

Learning how to fake a nap requires mastering the art of keeping the eyes closed no matter what, regulating breathing, controlling the mouth as to not crack a smile or grimace when a kid punches you in the privates to really test the depths of sleep.

To discuss the do’s and don’ts of proper nap faking, I enlisted the a veteran of many wars. Not actual wars, wars with children.

Jeff Edelstein is one a popular columnist with one of the most read newspapers in New Jersey. He’s the father of three kids and he’s also incredible at faking it. How good? The guy wrote an entire book about the fictional relationship, because, breakfast foods.

Pork Roll: A Lust Story details the shocking true (mostly true…true enough?) tale behind the meeting – and mating – of pork roll, egg, and cheese, New Jersey’s most popular breakfast sandwich.

I called Jeff to discuss how to fake a nap and the best tips and tricks for parents. Here are some of his suggestions

How To Fake A Nap – For Parents

  • “First, put your phoneortablet away from you.Leave itin a conspicuous place so your wife doesn’t think you’re just setting your fantasy lineup.
  • If you wear glasses, they have to come off.Let that lower jaw hang.Work up a little spit, let it dribble out the side of your mouth.Don’t fake snore. It will just encourage them to try and rouse you.
  • Also, don’t lie down on a sofa. You leave yourself too vulnerable. Propped up in a chair is the best idea. Like you’re so tired you didn’t even have the energy to get horizontal.
  • Make sure to stay motionless. No moving. At all. Even if you forgot to set a running back for the 4pm game.
  • Breath with a rhythm. Not too deep but not like you’re a Lamaze coach.
  • React to nothing, no matter how loud. Unless it’s like ahome security alarm or food delivery guy.

If all else fails, justlockyourself in the bathroom. Here’s how to keep them busy so you can pretend to take a dump.

Read more from JEFF EDELSTEIN HERE and get a copy ofPork Roll: A Lust Storynow.

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