How To Keep The Kids Busy So You Can Take A Crap In Peace

The killer is on the other side of the door and our hero, the side of his face pressed against the exit, listening for movements beforeWHAM the ax protrudes from the center of the passageway.

The hero backs away and contemplates his options.

The window is a dead end.

There are no other routes of escape.

He cant flush himself, the toilet can barely handle a fewsquares of two-ply.

This is where the screenplay stalls because I have no way for the hero to get out besides opening the door and facing off against what could be eventual death. I mean how can a man write a piece of plausible fiction when in real life he doesnt know how to get his kids to leave him alone whiletaking a shit.

DADDY! DADDY! I have something to show you.

and Ive got something to show you, I think, then think better of letting him soak in the sights and sounds of the inner sanctum during the morning evacuation.

Can it wait until I get out of the potty(ugh)..bathroom? and I cant stop saying potty because Ive been saying potty for five years butat kindergarten orientation the teachersspecifically requested parentsuse a more grown-up language.

More grown-up, got it.

I found him! Daddys making poopy!


Hes crapping. Daddys crapping, is what my son will repeatin his new class and that eventualteachers note will get framed.

Your son said crapping in class today. Please sign at the bottom. Am I signing to acknowledge he said crapping or am I signing as a written confession? Because if you’re looking to place blame, I didnt teach him that shit…

…that crap…that potty talk.DAMN IT!

and now the younger one is banging the door down and suddenly the window is a viable escape option.

How To Keep Kids Out Of The Bathroom

1) Give them that snack you said they were never allowed to have

2) Let them watch that TV show you said they were never allowed to watch

3) Tell them your spouse has a HUGE SECRET to tell them and go find them right now!

4) Just leave the house and find a public restroom because youll never take a shitin peace again

Sent from an iPhone while in astall at Dunkin Donuts

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Chris Illuminati is a freelance writer and published author. Follow him on Twitter (@chrisilluminati), Instagram (@messagewithabottle) or email him at

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