Parenting Life

How To Make A Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwich – And Lose Your Mind – In 243 Simple Steps

How to make lunch for your child without losing your mind.

If youre like me (and I hope not for your sake), youre constantly making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because its the only real food your child will eat.

I really dont consider peanut butter and jelly to be actual food but its at least made from things that were once food. Jelly is made from grapes or strawberries and now its made from grapes and chemicals that sound like villains from the Marvel Universe.

Prepare to meet your end, Iron Man!

Not this time Xanthum Gum!

But back to the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Lets take this step by step for all the moms and dads new to the website and people who thought this was actually going to be a legit demonstration of how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Buckle in, kids.

How To Make A Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwich In 243 Simple Steps

Step #1: Grab all of the overpriced condiments from the cupboard. The expensive all natural peanut butter, the high-end jelly, the bread that costs as much as a car payment. For all of those parents who use the cheap peanut butter, high fructose jelly and white bread, congrats on not loving your child.

Step #2: Apply equal amounts of peanut butter and jelly to the bread. Make sure to take it all the way to the corners. Be sure that one side is only peanut butter and the other is only jelly. Only insane people put the peanut butter and jelly on the same side.

If youre one of those people who buys the peanut butter and jelly in the same jar, whats it like living on planet crazy?

Step #3: Cut the crusts. Im not sure why or when this became a thing since its all just bread. At some point a little kid arbitrarily decided I DONT WANT CRUSTS and now its a thing every parent does. Maybe the crust is where all the gluten lives? I dont know.

Step #4: Take the crusts and shove it inside the sandwich because screw them this bread costs $50 a loaf and youre not wasting a crumb.

Step #5: Decide if youre going to cut the sandwich into squares or triangles, but dont spend too much time overthinking it, because youre going to be wrong whatever you choose. If you cut it in triangles, the kid will want squares. If you cut it in squares, hell want rhombuses. Just make sure to put the knife down when he freaks out about the shape or youll contemplate cutting yourself into shapes.

Step #6: Since the child will not stop crying over his triangles, go ahead and make a whole new sandwich. Its the only way out of this mess.

Step #7: Be sure to make it a full meal by adding a side of cheesy dildos and some sugar water. Serve the meal with an Amazon Kindle or smartphone and hide under the steps until the battery dies.

Step #8-242: Follow these steps again, every day, for the next decade. Try not to cry while assembling the sandwich or stab yourself in the ear with the knife. Don’t blame poor life choices and try not to think of yourself a terrible parent for only feeding your kid a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when actually they’re just a terrible child for not being open to any other foods.

Step #243: Try not to take any of this seriously.


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Chris Illuminati is a freelance writer and published author. Follow him on Twitter (@chrisilluminati), Instagram (@messagewithabottle) or email him at

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