Opinion

Welcome To My Family Car – Let Me Give You A Brief And Sad Tour

Well, hello, soon-to-be-passenger. Im excited that you will be joining us on our family car ride today.

Before we get started, Id like to give you complimentary a tour of the vehicle to maximize your comfort and your experience.

Lets start with the exterior, which is a beautiful metallic gray lightly sprinkled with quirky scratches that really give this light SUV character because you can tell a delightful child grabbed her mothers keys and had a blast.

Go ahead, kick the tires. Yes, this car is older than both my children, but those tires are brand new. I care enough about your safety to wait until the old tires are dangerously low on tread and the mechanic refuses to let me leave until we remedy the situation.

Speaking of dangerously low, you might notice the notice the back bumper sags slightly on the drivers side, a remnant of an unforgettable accident that has been perfectly preserved through our commitment to keep costs low.

Before we get to your accommodations, Id like to help you unload. Allow me to take your bag and place it snugly in the trunk space. You can be sure it wont shift during travel, because it will be wedged somewhere among the kids wagon, an extra diaper bag, an emergency stash of snacks, change of clothes for both kids and random toys that have decided that the car is a safer, nicer place to live than our playroom.

Moving up to the backseat, youll see that this is obviously a child-friendly vehicle. You’re more than welcome to sit between the car seats, we do recommend that our adult passengers ride up front for their comfort. However, in case you are interested, Ill give you a quick overview of what goes on back here.

You can probably tell this is one of the more lively spaces in the vehicle. We do provide snacks during the ride, the leftovers of which are often playfully tossed about the area. From the looks of it, I believe we are currently offering Cheerios, applesauce pouches and graham crackers. If you prefer something else, please let me know before we depart so we do not need to make any unnecessary stops.

To ensure we keep this space as clean as possible for our passengers, we do place a decades-old tablecloth under the car seats to catch all the fun the kids create en route. The vehicle is vacuumed about once a month, though food crumbs are always available in cracks, backseat pockets and along the floor for when our younger passengers are JUST STARVING.

Now, the moment you have been waiting for: The passenger seat. Here, youll notice that I have picked up the miscellaneous receipts, fast food bags and water bottles and thrown them into the back seat to make room for you. This area has quite a creative dcor, courtesy of a 4-year-old who grabbed crayons and went to town while mom wasnt looking.

Please do not place any items in the pockets on the passenger door, because they will probably get stuck to the sticky substance our cleaning crew is working to remove. I apologize for the inconvenience. The glove box has just enough room in it for you to perhaps place your ID, though we do not take responsibility for any items that are lost or stolen.

Your seat does move back to give you more legroom. If you recline far enough, you can enjoy a Shiatsu-inspired massage courtesy of two little kicking feet.

While we travel, you will delight in the sweet sounds of children experiencing life. We will take you through every emotion, promising you a trip that youll not soon be able to forget. You are free to twist and turn during the ride to assist our younger passengers, though if the captain indicates that it is time to ignore the children, we ask you to please comply.

That completes our tour of the vehicle. We hope you enjoy your ride and thank you for choosing us.

Kate Meier has two kids and zero tolerance for people who criticize parents for bullshit reasons. Go enjoy her sarcastic sense of humor at her blog,My Kind of Parenting, orhereon Facebook.

Click formore funny parenting adviceand follow me onFACEBOOK,TWITTER,INSTAGRAMor get occasionalEMAILSabout all my stuff.

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