Want some honest but funny parenting advice about newborns?
You’re going to feel like you don’t know what the hell you’re doing and that’s OK.
My Thoughts Then On Being A Parent To A Newborn
I had absolutely no idea what the hell I was doing.
Parenting Tip #1
Why is my baby suddenly making that noise?
Youll find yourself asking this question countless times after the baby gets home from the hospital. Usually, the sounds are healthy, you’re just freaking the hell out.
It’s almost like an odd sound in a car. Why is the baby making that noise? You’ll ask other parents, strangers on the street, doctors, anyone who will talk to a crazy a person.
The truth is that your child is due for a tire rotation, and also, EVERY KID MAKES THAT NOISE! GET OVER IT!
Parenting Tip #2
Pooping in the tub ruined a Xmas tradition.
There was a point where I was positive pooping in the tub was an activity done solely when dad was alone to give baths.
The Kid only has a couple bath dumps on the resume, but The Baby has several, several bullet points on the resume.
Pooping in the tub is in her objective statement.
Pooping in the tub is her area of expertise.
Pooping in the tub will be the name of a TED Talk.
The most memorable pooping in the tub incident involved both kids, what I thought was a brown washcloth, Santa Claus, and a frustrated dad.
Long story short, The Baby took a dump in the bathtub while both kids were in the tub.
I screamed “She pooped!” and the Kid jumped out of the tub like Bo Duke over the hot hood of the General Lee.
This situation wasn’t covered in the stay-at-home dad survival guide.
The tub had to be drained, the bath toys had to be tossed, and the bathtub needed to be bleached before both kids got back in to finish the bath.
Not to mention The Baby had shit streaks down her butt and legs so that had to be cleaned up and I don’t know why there are so many sirens outside maybe there’s an emergency on the block or…
“SANTA CLAUS!” the Kid screamed, completely naked and dripping with shit water as he ran down the steps and onto the front porch and now the baby had to check out the commotion, and both kids are naked and soaking wet and the porch is about 30 degrees and Santa and the local fire company are caroling down the street with the siren blaring, and they’re throwing candy out everyone out on the road and waving at two naked kids and their father standing at the front door.
Visions of shitty tubs danced in my head.
Parenting Tip #3
It’s one of the most common occurrences in parenting and something every new mom and dad experiences in the early days of a child’s life.
You look down at your beautiful newborn baby and wonder…
“Why is the baby’s face changing color like that?!?”
Most of the time, a baby’s face changes color because he or she is taking a big, steaming dump.
A dump you’re going to have to change again for like the hundredth time that day.
A baby’s face color will also give a warning sign if there’s going to be a need for more wipes or possibly a call to the fire department for the BIG hose.
There’s going to be poop everywhere.
You’re going to want to powerwash once, wait a day, then powerwash again. Repeat this process until the child leaves for college.
The baby’s face will eventually turn a pleasant shade of rosy and happy while you’re cursing yourself for getting baby poop on your shirt.
Parenting Tip #4
Why Is My Child Always Trying To Pee On Me?
New parents will frequently ask themselves – or medical professionals – “Why is my child always trying to pee on me?”
Well, honestly, he’s really not trying to pee on you. It just might seem that way.
In truth, he’s trying to piss on himself.
The baby is always trying to do things to himself first because humans are naturally curious. He’s just got terrible aim.
It won’t get any better, you’ll be cleaning piss off the toilet rim FOR YEARS.
Instead of asking, “why is my child always trying to pee on me?” instead ask the question, “How can I piss on my child and make it look like an accident?”
Youll need to figure that out on your own.
If you do, let me know.
Parenting Tip #5
Parenting Tip #6
Why your child acts just like a drunk college student?
I never realized going to college would prepare me for being a parent.
A drunk college student and little kid act precisely the same.
There’s no reasoning with either.
There’s no point trying to keep them upright, they’re just going to fall again.
They want to continue drinking (milk or booze) even as it dribbles down their faces.
You can’t understand a drunk or kid when they’re crying.
If given a choice, however, I’d rather be responsible for a newborn.
A drunk college kid taking a dump in his pants is way more disgusting and much tougher to clean up.
Parenting Tip #7
Pacing back and forth.
It began after finding out the ex-wife was pregnant and how we’d handle it, afford it, pay for it, and tell our parents.
Pacing back and forth in the delivery room and outside the delivery room during a last-minute C-section.
Pacing back and forth in the hospital room when the kid just WOULDNT STOP CRYING.
Pacing back and forth in the living room when the kid just WOULDNT STOP CRYING.
Up and back, up and back each night when the baby wouldn’t fall asleep when I couldn’t fall asleep when the next day felt like every other day and the same day all wrapped into one.
Another kid?!? Really? Are we sure? No, you don’t have to pee on a stick in front of me! I believe…oh you’re peeing right there, aren’t you? OK, were doing that…”
Does it all even really help with anxiety?
And its more back and forth in front of the delivery room, in the hospital room, in her bedroom, outside in the hallway when she went down WAY TOO EASY or slept WAY TOO LONG.
On the night before the first day of:
– summer camp
-preschool for the second kid
any and every other reason to be nervous
And the pacing back and forth will continue until I just can’t walk anymore because Ill never be entirely at ease with being a parent.
I’m going to need an incredibly sturdy wheelchair.
Parenting Tip #8
Dressing like your kid should be avoided at all costs. Sometimes it happens by mistake. That’s fine. Just don’t purposely look like an infant, and also, don’t make an infant look like a 30-year-old schlub.
It happens more frequently than people realize, but I blame clothing manufacturers. I’m not sure which came first, very chicken or the egg, but at some point, adult male clothing started to mirror toddler clothes or toddler clothes began to look like shrunken garments from a Fashionable Male catalog.
Walk into one of those giant Gap stores, find a men’s shirt, ask if it comes in midget and the clerk will walk you over to the kid’s section and hand you the exact same shirt.
If you’re a parent purposely going out in public dressed like your kid, you’re a turd. Unless it’s for a specific reason like a family photo or you’re all ugly, so it really doesn’t matter.
Leaving the house dressed like your kid means you’ve checked out, packed it in, given up on your life. Don’t give up yet. Not yet, man. There’s still plenty of time.
Until you hit 50, and then life is basically over. Dress however you want at that point, no one is paying attention to you anyway.
Why is that man wearing a onesie?
Breast milk in the eyeball. We did this. No lie. We shot breastmilk in the Kids eye. His mom just lined his face up and SQUIRT right in the eyeball.
He had eye gook. Not pink eye but something that caused his eyes to stick together.
One of the parenting books said breastmilk was the answer, and it was, and it worked, but it was weird.
I mean, how does that remedy happen?
Was it an accident?
A last-ditch effort?
Does breastmilk cure many ailments, not just with babies, but with adults.
Allegedly breastmilk cures a ton of stuff. Amazing. Know what it cant do? Make coffee taste better. In fact, it makes it taste worse. It was fun to squirt it into my cup, though.
Parenting Tip #9
Every person I met had a baby voice.
It sounds exactly like the voice people use to talk to animals.
They would speak in a regular voice to me and turn around and talk to the baby in a high-pitched, happy voice.
I guess its better than talking to a newborn as if you’re coworkers.
“Phil, how was the weekend? Good? Do anything exciting? Crapped your pants four times and didn’t sleep much? That’s not good. You should see a doctor about both issues. Oh, you’re only 4 months old? Good point. Well, have that account file in my inbox before lunch.”
Strangers still talk to my kids in an odd voice.
Especially the people who really have no interest in talking to kids mine or anyone else’s kids but they feel obligated to ask questions.
“What’s your name again?”
Talking to kids doesn’t have to be hard if you just treat them like miniature adults.
Miniature adults who’ll interrupt your questions to talk about LEGOs.
Parenting Tip #10
The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round the wheels on the bus go round and round, and daddy should learn to rest.
Its been a few years since I’ve sung any of the classic kid’s songs like “The Wheels On The Bus” or “Old MacDonald” or “Please Stop Crying You’re Killing Daddy’s Buzz.
That last song is an original composition.
I don’t miss any of those classic kids songs at all. They’re all pretty mind-numbing and often never-ending. It’s impossible to run out of parts of a bus or animals on a farm.
Thomas d’Urfey is credited with writing Old MacDonald. Now there’s an accomplishment to put high up on the resume.
“It says here, Mr. d’Urfey, that you wrote the song, Old MacDonald. My kids adore that ditty. Is that true?”
“Tis true sir.”
“Fascinating. How did you come up with the idea?”
“I went to a farm.”
“Brilliant! Got any other songs in the works?”
“I’m thinking about doing a number about the parts of a bus, once it’s invented.”
Parenting Tip #11
This is a rant about the diaper genie.
Overall, a useful product. It did its job. It stored a substantial number of dirty diapers without stinking up a room. Unless you popped open the lid. This simple maneuver unleashed the sevens scents from hell into the air.
Heres my issue with a tube full of baby turds wrapped in biodegradable material. Why not just throw the diaper in a garbage pail outside the house? Why let it hang around any longer than usual?
When adults drop a number #2, the refuse is immediately flushed out into the sewer where it becomes someone else’s problem. Why are parents keeping massive bags of dirty diapers inside the house? And not just in the house but in the same room where a child sleeps and plays for most of the day?
You can play with anything in the room baby, just don’t touch that giant bucket of your own feces.
Humans are weird.
Parenting Tip #12
The first round of shots. There’s going to be a lot of squirming and crying. I’m referring to mommy.
Doctor visits are much more difficult now that the kids are old enough to know were going to the doctor’s office and what might possibly happen.
Dad, are we getting shots today?
I don’t know.
Why don’t you know?
Because I’m not a doctor and don’t have your medical charts. I’m sure there are no shots today.
One hour later and each kid gets 7 shots.
So, um, I know you’re both under 8 but want to go look at cars? I’ll buy you each one.
Parenting Tip #13
There will be songs that torture you as a parent. Songs that kids will want to hear over and over will sing in the car, at dinner, while sitting on the toilet and any time that’s probably not the best time to sing.
Those kids songs stuck in your head for months. They’re torture.
You’ll randomly hum these songs while doing yard work.
You’ll mutter a couple of lines first thing in the morning.
The kid’s songs stuck in your head will crawl into your subconscious and live.
Specific lyrics will set off a rage inside your brain.
Kinda like when Bucky Barnes hears that secret code and turns into the Winter Soldier.
I’d be washing the dishes, and a Fresh Beat Band tune would spill from my lips and Id just go mentally blank.
And then one day, after those songs disappear out of your kid’s life.
Those kids songs stuck in your head will disappear from your life.
They won’t show up for years.
Until you’re in the car one day and..
“Dad, what was that song we sang all the time on the way to preschool?”
And then the words come out of their mouths, and your eyes glaze over…
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Parenting Tip #49
Parenting Tip #50
How To Peel Sticky Notes Correctly – Because You’re Doing It Wrong
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