Just The Notes

Parenting Notes #561-570

This week, the kids want to impale me with a toy, people have a huge issue with my grocery list, and I don't have a hard copy of the rules.

This week, the kids want to impale me with a toy, people have a huge issue with my grocery list, and I don’t have a hard copy of the rules.


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Thank you. You’re a real peach.

Alright, let’s do this shit.

Parenting Tip #561


ME: “How about an apple?”

THEM: “How about a LEGO removal tool in your eardrum?!?”

Parenting Tip #562


Them: “Why can’t we?”

Me: “Those are the rules.”

Lawyer coming out of the closet: “Sir, I represent your children in this case. Can you please provide a hard copy of the rules?”

Me: (hides in shower)

Parenting Tip #563


This should be a game show.

Parenting Tip #564


Parenting Tip #565


Cashier: “Do you have any coupons or rainchecks?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got two things I’d like to trade. They’re currently in the cereal aisle snorting the Lucky Charms dust from the bottom of the box.”

(Editor’s Note – Check out the comments on this photo on Instagram. The number of people who took issue with the way I write out my shopping list was ALARMING.)

Parenting Tip #566


ME: “People didn’t have cell phones. We made phone calls by paying quarters.”

KIDS: “Did the phones play YouTube?”

ME: (leaves room)

Parenting Tip #567


Parenting Tip #568


This is why I don’t own my own business.

Parenting Tip #569


Next time, I’m going to slip the guy at the Genius Bar a $20 and say just agree with everything I say.

Parenting Tip #570



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