Welcome to the latest installment of the funniest mom memes and tweets of the week.
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Please enjoy this collection of mom jokes, puns, memes, and regular old rants from some funny-as-hell mommas.
I like to think I’ll protect my kids from anything, until one of them runs upstairs yelling “Mommy, there is a spider on this!” and proceeds to throw the toy on top of me. Now I cannot locate said spider and he is on his own.
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) September 5, 2022
Shout out to all the products I’ve purchased and hated but was too lazy to return
— Deena Lang (@itsdeenalang) September 3, 2022
The correct response to back-to-school parent night emails is not “will there be wine?”
I know this now
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) September 7, 2022
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
— eLeni (@eleniZarro) September 5, 2021
Sent my sister a pic of my kids on their first day of school and she asked me where was the pic of me with a drink in my hand jumping on the couch?
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) September 7, 2022
(kids playing upstairs)
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 6, 2022
I'm not narcoleptic, I just have kids who don't believe in sleep, and think I should join them in their blasphemy.
— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) September 7, 2022
The shortest measurable amount of time, but it's just my kid getting home from school, removing his pants, and opening a bag of chips
— meghan (@deloisivete) September 6, 2022
I don't want to make anyone jealous right now, but I'm sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) September 6, 2022
If you ever worry about being a shitty person, you’re probably not a shitty person, bc shitty people don’t worry about being shitty people.
— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) September 7, 2022
Earned single mom points tonight by crying as soon as the Lowe’s guy asked if I needed help with anything.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) August 30, 2022
My five year old told me that if we ever get divorced she wants to live with her dad because he has better toys and honestly I can’t fault her logic
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 6, 2022
I have an aunt. Her name is Karen. She has started a Facebook page to take back her name. This is the most Karen shit I’ve ever fucking seen
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) September 2, 2022
I asked my 10yo to put her dirty clothes in the hamper and she just stared at me so I asked her why she was ignoring me and she said, “oh sorry I was in spectator mode” and I’ve realized I’ve been living in spectator mode for most my life
— Melissa Gutierrez (@Fiveoclockmommy) September 6, 2022
My daughter was complaining that Autocorrect kept changing the word "fate" to "fat" on her Chromebook and then she said, "I guess it ate too many gigabytes” so all she needs now is a Fantasy Football team and some cargo shorts to officially become a dad
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) September 7, 2022
I asked 5 if he learned anything at school today. He thought for a bit then said “I learned if I kick Theo again I need to make sure Mrs Cobb isn’t watching”
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) September 7, 2022
Me when I poop twice in one week pic.twitter.com/uyoia59Uc7
— Mom Meh Dearest🤦🏼♀️ (@mommeh_dearest) September 5, 2022
Last night I sat my husband down and told him I wanted a 3rd kid. I’m so glad we both agreed to the kitchen reno.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) September 4, 2022
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) September 7, 2022
I don't have a Tesla but I am such a suburban basic my car drives itself to Target anyway
— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) September 7, 2022
The worst thing about kids crying about you not letting them watch tv is how quiet they would be if you let them watch tv.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) September 5, 2022
I sent my husband to buy a white shirt for our son & he came back with a grey shirt because “that’s close enough.”
Men, you do this shit on purpose, right?
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 2, 2022
My son asked me if I even know what I’m doing and honestly I’m surprised it’s taken him 7 years to ask me this question.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 4, 2022