A little personal business before diving into the funniest tweets and memes from parents this week.
My friend Sara Buckley, one of the funniest people on Earth, has a new cookbook out.
You might recognize Sara from her hilarious Instagram account @nottheworstmom. You might recognize Sara because she cut you off in traffic once.
Either way, her new cookbook – Not The Worst Cookbook – is amazing and I’m telling you TO BUY IT RIGHT NOW!
Check it out, check her out, and forgive her for being a terrible driver.
Ok, here’s more funny people that I heart…
They say kids are expensive, but after abstaining from alcohol for three pregnancies I can now get drunk off of one beer. This amounts to a tremendous savings.
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) December 4, 2020
Red Cross email: A blood donation is the best gift you can give someone.
Kids: [screaming while opening presents]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 4, 2020
I can’t believe I outgrew childhood for this.
— Lloyd Rang (@lloydrang) December 4, 2020
A monolith in my kitchen.
But it’s just me standing in front of the salt shaker, searching for the salt shaker
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 3, 2020
Ladies and gentlemen, moms and dads, it’s time to play everyone’s favorite game- “what is that plastic thing I just stepped on, did it break, and, most importantly, did the noise wake my child who I need to hide this from?
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) December 3, 2020
1st child: Mozart & organic fruit
3rd child: Snoop Dogg & pop tart
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 2, 2020
me-pays for netflix, disney plus, hbo max, amazon prime, noggin, hulu
my kid-watches youtube
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) December 3, 2020
Having kids is wild, you get to watch miniature versions of yourself gradually become cooler while you become progressively less cool
— SpacedMom (@copymama) December 4, 2020
I’ve been trying to work with my toddler on his manners. Things like saying good morning to his teachers, please and thank you when he asks for something, not whacking me in the nutsack whenever he walks by me, basic stuff.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) December 4, 2020
3yo: can you play with me?
Me: in a minute
3yo: Alexa, set timer for 1 minute
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) December 3, 2020
5-year-old: I don't want my milk.
Me: Don't waste it.
5: Give it back to the cow.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 4, 2020
Our parent’s washing machine: 30 years old, zero issues, works like the day they bought it.
Our washing machine: 3rd one in 5 years, breaks every 6 months, have to leave the door open because it stinks but came in a pretty color.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 2, 2020
Not to brag but I’ve never done anything in an official capacity.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) November 24, 2020
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) December 4, 2020
My sister, who doesn't have kids: What are you having for dinner tonight?
Me: Sausages, pasta, peas.
Sis: I feel like you have that for dinner a LOT.
Me: Yeah. All my kids will eat it. So we eat it all the time. I'm gonna be eating it every week til I die. Kids are a blast.
— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) December 4, 2020