Valentine’s Day is one of the worst holidays.
Remember how awkward Valentine’s Day was in school?
In grade school, you had to give every kid in the class a Valentine’s Day card, even the dickheads or kids you never talked to, because teachers didn’t want anyone to feel left out even though the kids who had no friends knew the cards were distributed under duress and the dickheads knew no one really liked them.
“Hi, kid who holds me down on the bus and farts in my face. Here’s a piece of cardboard with a Transformer on it. Happy Valentine’s Day. I hope your dad doesn’t come home tonight and beat you.”
Things got worse in high school. At least at my high school.
An annual student fundraiser on Valentine’s Day was buying Tootsie Pops for your crush, friends, or anyone you felt like dropping $1 on.
You bought a Tootsie Pop and wrote a special note. Those lollipops were delivered to the person’s homeroom and given out before the first class of the day by the homeroom teacher.
So each teacher was responsible for this Hunger Games-style reading of names of all the popular people who got lollipops while the kids who didn’t get Tootsie Pops just sat there and watched it all go down.
One year I thought “oh, I should just send myself a lollipop so I don’t look like a loser on Valentine’s Day” but then decided that’s even sadder.
The point of this story is that school is stupid and maybe it’s better to keep kids home. At least on holidays.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
My mom suggested I make a list of things I’m good at to make myself feel better and this is how far I’ve gotten
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) February 7, 2021
Me: What do you girls want for your birthday this year?
14: A car.
11: If she’s getting something that big, then you have to get me something worth equal.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) February 12, 2021
[helping my kid fill out her valentine’s day cards] i’m not spelling these kids’ names like that
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 11, 2021
Me: I would totally kill it if I went on survivor, these people are a bunch of whiney babies
Also me: I MISSED LUNCH TODAY DO NOT F WITH ME
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) February 12, 2021
A 19 year old at the post office asked me if this is where she buys stamps so I don’t want to hear another word about my side part and leggings.
— MichiMama (@michimama75) February 10, 2021
At 16 I called a sex line and talked for 3.5 hours about Harry Potter movies as revenge against my stepfather
(@CrockettForReal) February 11, 2021
There’s nothing sexier than these six little words…
“Sit down, honey, I’ll do it.”
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 5, 2021
If I ask you how your job at the IRS is going and you don’t say “it’s pretty taxing” we can’t be friends. Also, if you work for the IRS we can’t be friends.
— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) February 10, 2021
PROTIP: Don't buy your spouse a Valentine's Day gift that THEY will love–combine your interests and buy a gift that you can love TOGETHER!
For example, my wife loves throw pillows. pic.twitter.com/iPsIy2HPgP
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 9, 2021
8-year-old: You should wear that outfit more often.
Me: You like it?
8: It makes me laugh.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 11, 2021
Welcome to marriage. I hope you like apologizing for things you didn’t do.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 10, 2021
I asked my husband what the plan was for Valentine's Day & he said, "You're looking at it!"
So I guess I'm doing laundry while he walks around looking for his wallet.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 12, 2021
If you're on the fence about having kids, just know that my 3 year old is suddenly going through a lick-all-the-daycare-playground-toys phase.
New-ish Mom (@LifeThrewLemons) February 12, 2021
I’m “why TF are tweens wearing F•R•I•E•N•D•S shirts ironically” years old.
— MommyCocktail (@MommyCocktail) February 11, 2021
My 6 year old: Mom, is Mustang a Turd?
Me: What? No.
Son: But this says Mustang! And the name next to it says Turd.
My husband:…son, that says Ford. That’s a cursive “F.”
Son: But that doesn’t make any sense
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) February 12, 2021
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 9, 2020
*at the dog park*
Oh. My. God. Becky, look at her mutt
— Village Person (@SvnSxty) February 11, 2021
My kid: “Guess what kind of elephant this is.”
Me: “What? There are KINDS of elephants?!”
Follow me for more homeschooling tips…
— redyellowgreendance (@RYGdance) February 12, 2021