I took the kids to get burgers this week. We sat inside the restaurant for the first time in I’m not sure how long. We were the only people in the place.
The woman behind the counter yelled the name “Craig” about four times until I turned to look. I didn’t look the first three times because my name isn’t Craig. She was motioning that our food was ready.
“Why did that lady call you Craig?” asked the 7-year-old.
“I guess she couldn’t hear me say Chris through my mask.”
My daughter grabbed the receipt and in big letters right at the top was the name Craig.
The kids laughed about that for the next hour.
Now, if I told the woman behind the counter my name was Craig – as a joke – the kids would think it was dumb.
Ah, the delicate nature of comedy.
Here are the funniest parenting tweets and memes this week.
If there’s anything I’ve learned this past year, it’s you can never own too many pairs of pajama pants.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 26, 2021
My kids have this crazy talent where they destroy a whole bathroom with just brushing their teeth.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) February 25, 2021
My toddler is so picky about clothes. She has a million outfits but only wears 5 things. Before giving her a new outfit, I've started taking pictures of it for her to find when flipping through my phone. Without fail, she "wants one" so I "order it" and it "arrives" the next day.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 24, 2021
So today I said, “Hey Siri!”
And Siri responded, “Mmmph” to let me know she couldn’t give a shit about what I wanted.
— Lessons from the Minivan (@FromMinivan) February 26, 2021
So I have never seen The Bee Movie but my wife was just telling me about it and it sounds NUTS. Something about bees taking all of humankind to court and then a Jerry Seinfeld bee hooking up with a human woman? Can anyone confirm??
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) February 25, 2021
I avoid making conversations awkward by not starting any.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 24, 2021
There is no one more full of shit than a teen who says “ok” when you ask them to do something
— Go Ask Your Dad (@_goaskyourdad_) February 25, 2021
The day you stop cleaning sippy cups, you’re life begins – or at least I hope so because I’m really tired of cleaning them
— Satirical Mommy (@MommySatirical) February 21, 2021
Men on twitter thinking I'm sexy is my worst fucking nightmare. TRUTH.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) February 26, 2021
Had a convo with my husband about going on antidepressants to which he replied why not go on uncledepressants and then we laughed and laughed until I kicked him in the balls
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) February 25, 2021
Me: You smell like a Thin Mint.
6: I didn’t eat 5.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) February 25, 2021
I love how my 5-year-old can do anything unless it’s something I specifically asked her to do.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 25, 2021
Me to child: “You’re a big kid – use your words – what is it you want?”
Also me: “Can you pass me that thing over there on the thingy with the thing on it?”
— Amanda Marcotte | Mediocre Mommy (@storiesofamom) February 24, 2021
My 4 yo is requesting I put on the song that sings about “bows and Fuck, but not fuck it.”
Anyone know it?
— Daisy (@Daisyldoo) February 25, 2021
Sure sex is great but have you ever had a quiet moment to yourself?
— WineMummy (@WineMummy) February 25, 2021
my husband was anxiously awaiting the delivery of his “ass-blaster 3000”
imagine my relief when a bidet arrived
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) February 26, 2021
It’s Scholastic Book Order week!
5: “Can we get Diarrhea of a Wimpy Kid?”
(It’s Diary of a Wimpy Kid)
— redyellowgreendance (@RYGdance) February 24, 2021
Welcome to your 40s. You now have to warm up for an hour to work out for five minutes
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 25, 2021
Went out to dinner with the whole family. My husband made a joke about one of the kids & I said, “that’s not nice, you shouldn’t say that!” & then my son said to me, “you literally make fun of us every day on twitter!”
Touché, kid. Whatever.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 25, 2021