This Sunday is Father’s Day.
It’s also my birthday.
I’m getting screwed. My two biggest days of the year combined into one day.
People go “Happy Father’s Day!” and I go “Thanx it’s also my birthday!” and they’re all like “Now you want us to say two nice things to you. Jesus, how much do you expect from us, you needy bastard? This is a McDonald’s drive-thru.”
For all the dads in the crowd – Happy Father’s Day.
For all the moms – please do your best to fake it and trick your husband into thinking he deserves his own day.
To all the kids – don’t be assholes. That’s a rule for 365 days.
For everyone, enjoy the funniest parenting tweets and memes of the past week.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) June 17, 2020
If your initial reaction upon hearing a celebrity has been hospitalized for exhaustion is, “wow, that sounds so nice,” you’re probably a mom.
— Mommy Uncensored (@amomuncensored) June 15, 2020
My oldest said Nutflix instead of Netflix then he laughed and laughed until my youngest punched him in the crotch. Living with kids is literally like living with the dudes from Jackass.
— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) June 18, 2020
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– only wants to go up on the seesaw, not down
– I wouldn't serve her hot ice cream
– her shadow is copying her
– doesn't want to have bones anymore
How about your kid?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 18, 2020
[sounds from the kitchen]
7: DON'T ASK WHAT I'M DOING
me: aw hell.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 17, 2020
I miss the good ole days when dads left to get cigarettes.
My dad left to get vape juice and never came back just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) June 18, 2020
Woke up this morning at my sister's house and finally read the words on the decorative pillow in her guest bedroom. There's no turning back now. 💦💦💦 pic.twitter.com/pryzx3n5lg
— J. Camm (@JCamm_) June 19, 2020
Yeah sex is cool but have you hired your first post-quarantine babysitter?
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) June 18, 2020
Having a third kid is like having a sixth drink. You're going to be miserable in the morning anyway, so why not?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 16, 2020
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I believe in ghosts. I think aliens built the pyramids. But I’m skeptical af when Gail from the Facebook mom’s group says she has a “pretty chill” toddler. Nice try Gail, but I’m not sure those exist.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) June 18, 2020
I started to make a summer chore chart for my kids & then we all laughed & laughed & went back to our phones.
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) June 16, 2020
If I find an errant LEGO, it's either going in the trash or the junk drawer, whichever is closest to me.
— Virginia McMurdo (@VirginiaMcMurdo) June 18, 2020
*patting my husband’s quarantine belly*
I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, as long as it’s healthy
— Rachel Noise (@RachelNoise) June 15, 2020
My grocery delivery substituted the frozen pre-made pancakes I ordered with pancake mix. They’ve clearly mistaken me for some kind of chef.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) June 17, 2020
Asked my teenage son to put the groceries away… pic.twitter.com/qMtxWvs5mo
— S A R A B U C K L E Y (@nottheworstmom) June 17, 2020
Me: Lost and found? Just thought I'd try again to see if anyone had turned in the $500 I lost there.
Casino employee: Ma'am, it was a slot machine and please stop calling.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) June 18, 2020
You can’t please everyone, you’re not Doritos.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) June 18, 2020
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All kids have their strengths 🤷🏼♀️ If you aren’t following @ramblinma you are missing out on some of the funniest memes out there. Go check out @ramblinma! • • • • • #ramblinma #notkidzbop #talentedkids #lovemymonsters #mommingsohard #modernmom #modernparenting #parenthoodvibes #sillykids #funnymoms #parentingskills #b52s #tinroofrusted
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