Before we jump into the funny stuff, a quick reminder about my new “Ask Chris Anything” feature. I’m still looking for questions. Here’s a better explanation as to what I’m doing and why.
So if you’ve got a question, drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Alright, you’ve waited long enough…
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 24, 2021
my five year old asked for a banana so I gave her a banana but it was a banana and not an apple and now all hell has broken loose send help
— That Mom Tho 🏳️🌈 (@mom_tho) June 24, 2021
I sneezed while I was looking for a snack in the fridge and bumped my head on the shelf but yeah sure put me down as your emergency contact
— yelisaSwizzy (@motherplaylist) June 23, 2021
Sorry I brought vodka to your kids’ lemonade stand…
— V (@V32951124) June 25, 2021
I wish someone else would “cherish every moment” of my child’s life for a while
— Coffee & Crusts (@CoffeeNCrusts) June 21, 2021
The key to a good night’s sleep is lying far apart from your partner
okay now go to another room and sleep in another bed.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) June 23, 2021
It’s not a family road trip without the instant regret of taking a family road trip.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 24, 2021
Them: here's a 5 min arts and craft to do with your kids. It will only take you 17 hours
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 25, 2021
My wife and I role play "The Fast and the Furious" in bed. Me and her, respectively.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 22, 2021
You’re still a badass
she says to herself as she reads reviews on probiotics
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) June 24, 2021
A good husband makes sure you have snacks for your road trip.
A better husband makes sure you have enough snacks and candy for your road trip.
The BEST husband makes sure that the kids have enough snacks and candy that they’ll eat and not talk the entire time.
— Sweet Momissa 🪁 (@sweetmomissa) June 24, 2021
When a child says “You know what I’d like to do?” and your first thought is “Stop talking?” then have fully embraced the joys of parenthood.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 25, 2021
Can anyone recommend any medication for my 4 year old who has been suffering with extreme verbal diarrhoea for about 6 months now
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) June 24, 2021
The most terrifying words a woman can say are "remember when."
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) June 21, 2021
My barometer of whether I had too many drinks is based on if I removed my contacts before bed
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) June 23, 2021
My wife, leaving for work: Have a good day!
4: How do you build a car?
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) June 24, 2021
“It’s okay if you’re not getting everything right at first, Buddy. Part of getting better is doing badly at first.” I said, because I’m great at giving people advice I forget to follow myself.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) June 22, 2021
Me doing anything that requires assistance.
“Hey babe can I get a hand?”
Husband – *claps loudly* from other room.
— The Spicy Disaster Mama (@spicydisasterma) June 20, 2021
I’d have to say my favorite scent is “Cleaning Lady Has Been Here”
Can’t recall the last time I smelled it, but what a timeless classic
— Deena Lang (@itsdeenalang) June 24, 2021
A pregnant woman walks past our car with 4 other children trailing behind.
Me: Can you imagine having 3 more siblings?
10yo: She must have A LOT of sex.
Me: (Looks at 10yo in rear view mirror)
10yo: Like, A LOT!!
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) June 23, 2021
One day I’ll be able to make pasta without the water boiling over and soaking the stovetop. Today is not that day. It wasn’t yesterday either.
— Gila Pfeffer (@Gilapfeffer) June 23, 2021
I’ve been working on establishing routines this summer and I think it’s paying off because at about 6pm every day my 3YO sighs, rolls her eyes and announces, “It’s time to go on our stupid little walk!”
I’ll work on my attitude next.
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) June 25, 2021
12: I’m moving to Florida or Colorado or New York when I’m older.
Me: You live in one of the best cities to raise a family.
12: And end one.
Is today “hug a divorced parent” day because I feel like it should be.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) June 24, 2021
If I had to pick a favorite thing about summer it would have to be the end
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) June 24, 2021
Thoughts and prayers for my son as after a long day of playing video games & having his meals made for him he was asked to walk the dog.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) June 22, 2021
I was trying to type the words “Before and after pics” and it came out “Before and fatter pics” and the accuracy of that is mind-blowing.
— Mommy Meme Jeans (@mommymemejeans) June 23, 2021
I got a little lost today so I found the nearest Amazon delivery van and followed it straight to my house
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) June 22, 2021
Thanks for reading! If you like this article, please take a second to like, comment, or share this with friends or random strangers. If you’re new to the website, please take a second to follow me on INSTAGRAM, TIKTOK, FACEBOOK, TWITTER, or TUMBLR.