My neighbor just said “Good Morning” and I said the same and asked the obligatory “How are you doing?”
“Oh, you know, another day in paradise.”
And I reply, “if this is paradise, we’re screwed.”
And we both laughed in a way that silently said to one another, “yes, this all fucking sucks.”
Anyway, here are some of the funniest parenting tweets and memes.
Last call only it’s my daughter squeezing in one more meltdown right before bed.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) August 7, 2020
My only real super power is stopping the microwave milliseconds before the timer beeps, so my kids don't hear it and insist I share the food.
— 𝕃𝕍𝕆 (@LittleVodkaOwl) August 4, 2020
Marriage is finding that one person you dislike slightly less than anyone else and deciding to pay bills together
(@CrockettForReal) August 5, 2020
10% of marriage is texting each other “Where are you?” from inside the same store.
— The Dad #BLM Briefs
(@SladeWentworth) July 31, 2020
Me: Pack for Grandma's house.
10-year-old: But she already has everything.
10: Except rules.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 5, 2020
Mechanic: *telling me what’s wrong with my car*
Me: *understood none of it* Got it.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 31, 2020
What do I win if I get all my steps in one day? Health, Roger.
(eats third bag of Cheetos)
— Chris Illuminati (@chrisilluminati) August 3, 2020
Men be like, “The perfect woman is both small and thick, is turned on easily, sucks nonstop and stays in her place.” Well you just described my vacuum cleaner Brad and you don’t deserve her either.
(@maryfairybobrry) August 2, 2020
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
— Maxi Tea (@maxi_tea) August 6, 2020
The moment you ignore all the unsolicited advice and stop giving a shit what other people think about your parenting style, is the moment the second half of your life begins.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) August 6, 2020
A lot of people think things slow down and get boring as you get older but we had two humming birds at the feeder at the same time this morning and I’m still buzzing from the excitement.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 4, 2020
Dentist: *Walks in room, maybe 30 minutes behind scheduled appt*. Sorry I’m running late today!
Me: *Lying in a reclining chair, looking out at sunshine and trees, relaxed and kid-free during a global pandemic*. It’s all good – TAKE YOUR TIME!!!
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) August 5, 2020
A neat thing about 2020 is that enough stuff happens every month to fill an entire verse of “we didn’t start the fire”
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) August 3, 2020
When your control-top leggings are like “Bitch I tried.”
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) August 3, 2020
My daughter just took a bite of her lunch, closed her eyes and said, “Yumm. Fresh from the microwave.” She was serious. I’ve failed as a mother.
— Mommy Meme Jeans (@mommymemejeans) August 4, 2020
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) July 27, 2020
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