The 7-year-old woke up early from a bad dream. She gets into my bed at 5 am.
She’s not asleep and tells me she can’t remember the dream but it was scary.
I didn’t ask for specifics.
Only adults care to remember bad dreams. We even write that shit down and try to interpret the meaning.
And we wonder why we’re all miserable all the time. We don’t have enough shit to stress over in the waking world, we need to worry about the stuff haunting our dreams.
Maybe the kids will be better off raising themselves.
Here are some of the funniest parenting tweets and memes from parents this week.
When I was a kid you didn’t have private phone calls you had an eight foot leash in the middle of the kitchen while everyone silently judged you
(@CrockettForReal) August 10, 2020
I want as much confidence as my kid who uses his “magic” to open the automatic doors at Walmart
— Go Ask Your Dad (@_goaskyourdad_) August 10, 2020
I wonder what the Kidz Bop lyrics will be for WAP
— C.H.U.D.ney Spears (@chudneyspears) August 12, 2020
My daughter loves the way I mixed the pretzel, cheese and princess goldfish together and she called it “delicious” so I guess I can add chef to my resume.
— Chris Illuminati (@chrisilluminati) August 8, 2020
Me: How was your first day of school?
4-year-old: I didn't hurt anyone.
Better than expected.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 14, 2020
My 6YO: I figured out the tablet password and bypassed all the parental controls to download all my shows and reset the password so only I can use it.
Also my 6YO: HELP! I put both legs in the same panthole and I’m stuck!
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) August 13, 2020
I only know what season it is according to the candy aisle at Target.
— your other mom (@difficultpatty) August 14, 2020
What is the capital of the United States: Flavortown
-My kids taking a test after watching a bajillion hours of tv during quarantine.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 13, 2020
When you have a vagina, you can get mad over anything you want to. It’s in the constitution.
— Holly Haterpants (@heapsOhate) August 13, 2020
My sister in law, who has a four year old, asked us this week when do kids stop asking questions and my wife and I have been laughing about that this whole week.
— Shannon Carpenter (@HossmanAtHome) August 7, 2020
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
— ADHDeanBLM (@ADHDeanASL) August 14, 2020
Does seeing a handshake in a TV show seem like soft core porn nowadays or is it just me?
— The Mommy Memeoirs (@mommymemeoirs) August 13, 2020
Me at 13: I don't understand why old people are so cranky
Me at 43: oh
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) August 13, 2020
Me: Let’s reenact the scene from Armageddon.
Husband: The one where he walks an animal cracker on her body.
Me: No, the one where he gets left behind on an asteroid.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 5, 2020
If by “learning math” you mean grasping the concept of greater than/less than by frequently yelling “What’s your tablet at?!” to each other, then yes, my kids have learned a shitload of math during quarantine.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) August 12, 2020
priest: you may now read the vows you have prepared
me: i think I misunderstood the assignment
wife: just read what you have honey
me: ok [deep breath] A E I O U
— james (@heybuddy_comic) August 13, 2020
Me: This dog is very old and probably not getting much joy from life anymore
Kid: Kind of like you?
Me: Honestly I’m more worried about your life right now than mine
— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) August 11, 2020
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) August 10, 2020
Let's be honest potato salad is a whole ass meal. It has potatoes. It has veggies. It has eggs. It has bacon. It has mayo. It has mustard. It has spices. What the fuck else do you need?
— Girl Who Came to Stay (@Mom_Overboard) August 14, 2020