Hello, friends. I’m doing things a little differently this week. Normally, I’ll post the funniest mom and dad jokes of the week separately, but sometimes life, work, kids, and the number of hours in the day throw a wrench in the entire operation.
Today, you get the mom and dads all in one spot. Hopefully, they all get along.
Rihanna: Pregnant, performing halftime show
Me: Not pregnant, sitting on the couch, asking someone else to bring me my drink that’s just out of my reach.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 13, 2023
I love it when people ask me what my toddler will eat, as if I could possibly know the answer to that
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) February 16, 2023
Gave my son money for the school book fair- he came home with plastic pointer, an eraser shaped like a cell phone, & an invisible ink pen.
Guess I should have emphasized to him the BOOK part.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) February 8, 2023
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me pic.twitter.com/U4KlbI4PQh
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 14, 2023
Does anyone else have to have the money in their wallet all facing the same way right side up to prevent the world from exploding?
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) February 16, 2023
One thing about me is, if we go on a walk together, I will stop to acknowledge every single dog.
— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) February 16, 2023
Hell is other people's dishes left in the office kitchen sink
— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) February 16, 2023
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) February 16, 2023
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) February 15, 2023
Kindergarten be like, “Let’s all sit in a circle and cough on one another.”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 14, 2023
All I want for Valentine’s Day is you! And some stuff that’s not a human. -my terrifying 6 year old
— Marissa 💚💛 (@michimama75) February 13, 2023
My 5yo asked me what a whirlpool is and I said it’s basically an underwater tornado so hopefully that doesn’t become a discussion topic at school
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) February 16, 2023
Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone except my neighbor whose car alarm has been going off for the last 2 hours
— Dad Pickup Line (@dadpickupline) February 14, 2023
My kid asked for sleepy music at bedtime and it’s working on one of us
— meghan (@deloisivete) February 17, 2023
I’ve reached that age where 80% of my electric bill is from using a heating pad on some part of my body.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 17, 2023
Youtube families: thanks for joining us, we're a regular family living in a 25,000sq ft house just like you! Our kids Tayton, Claxton and Draxxleigh love caviar and hunting Rhinos and our favorite room in the house is where we keep every car ever made and none of us work
— 🍁Yukon Cornelius (@GrahamKritzer) February 16, 2023
toddler drew marker on the carpet & as I spot cleaned it she grabbed another marker & drew a line right next to it, pretty sure I saw her little middle finger extended too
— Dad Set Against (@DadSetAgainst) February 16, 2023
My kid is watching Free Willy 3. How many times does this damn whale need to be freed?
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) February 12, 2023
Is it ok to wear white Crocs with dark jorts? Don’t want to make a fashion mistake
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) February 16, 2023
Kinda selfish of my wife not to make me dinner tonight. she's just laying in a hospital bed doing nothing.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) February 16, 2023
My husband has to leave in one hour and will probably wait another 30 mins to take a shower.
I have to leave in one hour I showered yesterday, did my hair last night, got dressed 3 hours ago, makeups been done and I think I’ll leave now just to be safe.
— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) February 16, 2023
told my hubby i was going to wrap myself in a single cvs receipt for his vday surprise and he was disappointed id be so covered up
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) February 15, 2023
The difference between cats and dogs is cats know when something is wrong, but fuck you
— Mike (@Parentpains) February 16, 2023
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 17, 2023