Some housekeeping notes before we jump into the reason you’re reading this post.
- Today is my daughter’s birthday. She 8. She’s the best.
- I bumped the number of tweets and memes to 35 in case anyone didn’t notice. There are way too many funny parents online to limit the list to 25.
And finally, I enjoy torturing both my children.
Here are the funniest tweets and memes from parents this week.
None of these anti-aging products work, because I’m still in my 50s.
— Rock the Kasbah (@MarieLoerzel) April 15, 2021
I’ve been a parent for 13 years and I should know better than to serve a preschooler lunch on a green plate when he specifically requested a green plate.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 15, 2021
[my kid when any toy commercial comes on]: i need that
[my kid when any prescription drug commercial comes on]: you need that
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 15, 2021
[house is on fire]
Me: *running back in* “My vaccine card!”
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 11, 2021
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don't know the answers to like "Was another parent there" and "how long will she be there" and "which park" and "why can't you remember which park"
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 9, 2021
Drinking a glass of wine out in the garage to escape your family for a few minutes or an hour is pretty normal, right?
Asking for a friend.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 16, 2021
They call women the (fairer sex) but my daughter just told me who I could and couldn’t be in Mario Kart and that doesn’t seem fair at all
(@CrockettForReal) April 15, 2021
Told the kids that we booked a tent camping trip for this summer, and my 5yo was overwhelmingly excited because “he gets to pee in the woods again.” I’m thrilled that out of all the fun activities from last year’s camping trip, that my son is left with this one joyous memory.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) April 14, 2021
Feed a cold, starve a fever, wine and nacho a vaccination
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) April 14, 2021
Welcome to middle age. I’ll tell you all about it once I finish my power walk at the mall.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 14, 2021
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) April 14, 2021
Fuck it. I'm baking cookies RIGHT NOW. Who's with me?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) April 16, 2021
If anxiety came in physical form it would be a boomerang.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) April 16, 2021
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) April 15, 2021
got invited to an event tuesday night. i went and right as i walk in i'm handed a microphone to "share a little about myself" to 50 strangers. this is how you get an introvert to never come back ever again.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) April 15, 2021
They really just told us “this is grape flavor” and we all just went along with it.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 15, 2021
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) April 15, 2021
Welcome to middle age you are now intolerant to wheat, gluten, dairy, loud music, zoom quizzes and all people
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) April 15, 2021
I let my oldest give my youngest raspberries on his belly right before bedtime, and they adorably laughed for 15 minutes.
They are still not asleep two hours later.
— Satirical Mommy (@MommySatirical) April 14, 2021
I handed my wife lavender scented soap while she was doing dishes, her reaction proved that lavender does not have any calming effect
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 12, 2021
I just pulled out the Pinocchio tactic and told my 4yo that if she lies her nose is going to grow. And the more she lies, her nose will just get longer and longer. And then she came back with, “Like yours!??”
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) April 10, 2021
Sometimes my grown son will just text me "Mom!" with nothing else.
As a parent that is one of the scariest texts. Why do kids think it is funny to make us panic?
— Lazor (@Lazor2828) April 16, 2021
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