After a long hiatus, a bulk collection of the parenting notes returns.
This week, I discuss the wrong reasons to have another kid, the best way to make friends, and the pending cold and flu season.
***AND DON’T FORGET: The 2020 Daily Calendar is available now!***
And away we go…
Parenting Note #641
As you can tell from the expression on my face, I’m probably wrong.
Parenting Note #642
I’m sure I made friends as a kid under weirder circumstances and for odder reasons…
…none of which are coming to mind right now.
Parenting Note #643
So, so close.
Parenting Note #644
I’m not sick. The kids are not infected.
The school nurse calls, and the 6-year-old is fine. Her teacher is home battling a fever and needs to reschedule Back To School night. The purpose of the call to ask if the following Monday works for parent’s schedules.
It’s still September, and the teacher is already down for the count.
Cold and the flu season is imminent.
I’m fully prepared, not with medicine, but with time.
Time to pick a child up from school, plop him or her on the couch, forcing rank-tasting meds down their windpipe and tolerate hours of painful YouTube videos until the youth is well enough to go back to school.
You’ve been warned.
Dress your family in corduroy and denim. Require the daily ingestion of vitamin C pills. The sugar-coated gummies that taste better than children’s medication but not quite as delicious as anything Sour Patch.
Don’t allow the children to touch any surface. Tell them to avoid friends at school. Slather sanitizer on all bare body parts until the weather turns cool enough to force them into those plastic sweatsuits that collegiate wrestlers and crazy people wear to the gym.
Forbid anything but food to be put to their lips. No biting nails, sucking fingers, chewing on pens, or licking playground equipment.
We’ll all get through this together.
Unless you get sick.
Then, stay the hell away from me.
Parenting Note #645
I’m at Walmart to pick up odds and ends and items I didn’t realize I need until I walked around Walmart, I bought the 6-year-old a bottle of L.O.L Surprise body wash.
That night, I put her in and make a quick exit from the bathroom because that’s a place no parent wants to get caught for too long.
You’ll get asked to play. If you agree, you’re kneeling on painful linoleum for way too long, you’re forced to change into your second pair of “not going anywhere” clothes because you’re soaked, and sitting face-to-face with the fact you haven’t scrubbed the tub in quite some time makes you feel like a grosser human.
I’m in the other room, and she screams, and I run back into the bathroom, and she’s holding up the bottle and pointing to a secret compartment on the back of the bottle.
Beneath a sticker is literally a L.O.L Surprise – a small keychain.
She’s so excited she can hardly keep the bathwater in the tub, and now I’m the “greatest dad in the world” which is a COMPLETE 180 from being the “worst dad ever” for suggesting a bath after catching her scratching her crotch quicker than a washboard player at a hootenanny.
“Thank you, daddy! I love it! Do you want to play?”
“I can’t. I have things to do. Just wipe some soap scum off the wall and build yourself a friend. Like Olaf.”
L.O.L Surprise I didn’t have anything to do.
Did you love this article? Subscribe via EMAIL and never miss another one again.