This week, The Kid wants me to stop acting a fool, kid shows songs get stuck in my cranium and people think I stuff poop in my pocket.
You’re probably behind on your note reading. It’s ok. I forgive you.
Catch up real quick on some of the parenting notes you might have missed:
- Parenting Tips #551-560
- Parenting Tips #561-570
- My message on Mother’s Day had a profound effect on some people.
- Parenting Tips #571-580
Thank you. You’re awesome.
And now, the parenting tips for this week…
Parenting Tip #581
Parenting Tip #582
I try my damndest not to be a wasteful person, but I go through an absurd number of sticky notes every day.
I try to draft my ideas out on scrap paper before writing each note, but as soon as pen hits post-it note its DERRRRRRPPPPPPP.
I screw up the spacing.
I run out of space.
I misspell words.
Sometimes I leave words entirely out.
Luckily each pad comes with about 100 blank notes.
I’m allowed to screw up 99 times.
I believe it was Jay-Z who said: I’ve got 99 post-its but a derp ain’t one. #dadjokes
Parenting Tip #583
Parenting Tip #584
Parenting Tip #585
Parenting Tip #586
Yes, that’s poop.
The Tootsie Roll wrapper was pure coincidence.
(Edit- IT’S NOT POOP! Jesus, you people don’t think too highly of my parenting skills.)
Parenting Tip #587
First, the 9-year-old. Now the 6-year-old. Both do this with regularity.
The story begins innocently enough and delves into depths a parent couldn’t possibly follow, weaving in names, places, and callbacks to minor moments that occurred months ago, if ever at all.
I find myself asking questions like…
Wait, who’s Bob??
Your life long dream is to visit Paris?
WHEN WERE WE ON A SPACE SHUTTLE?!?
This afternoon, the youngest recounted a story from school, and I’ll be honest I zoned out after Daddy, guess what happened at school?
I said, “What?” and the tale began, and within three seconds, I was humming the Magnum P.I. theme song and oblivious to another human in the car.
“…and that’s when my prediction came true, daddy!”
“What prediction, honey?”
“Weren’t you listening?!?”
“Of course, I was listening. You were on a space shuttle. Then what?”
Parenting Tip #588
I’m not a bad cook, but I’m better when left alone.
If I’m juggling multiple parts of a meal, and the kids on my ass, sometimes all hell breaks loose.
Do you want to know the one thing I can never get right?
Frozen french fries.
I set the oven to the right temp and leave the fries in for the required amount of time, but they never come out perfect.
They’re either overdone and super-duper crispy or underdone potato sticks.
Perfect = tastes like McDonald’s.
Even they screw it up sometimes.
There’s nothing worse than biting into a french fry and remembering its a potato.
“This is supposed to be bad for me! I don’t want to taste vegetables!” and then the McDonalds workers are completely confused because I’m yelling at them from across the dining area.
Have you ever bought fries at a fast food place at the perfect moment?
You know what I’m talking about.
They’re just the right temperature and salted perfectly, and you just keep eating the fries and forget you bought a sandwich.
Then you finish the fries and cry because they’re gone, and now you’ve got this sandwich with no fries, and what the hell am I supposed to do now?!?
And the McDonalds people have all agreed the right thing to do is call the police.
And that’s why I’m always making fries at home.
Parenting Tip #589
Parenting Tip #590
That’s right, kids. I’m on to you both.
You’re still cute but the faces don’t work as well.
You’re going to have to try something.
Why are you hugging me?
Wait, what did you say?
You love me “to the moon and back”?
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How To Peel Sticky Notes Correctly – Because You’re Doing It Wrong