This week, The Kid wants me to stop acting a fool, kid shows songs get stuck in my cranium and people think I stuff poop in my pocket.
You’re probably behind on your note reading. It’s ok. I forgive you.
Catch up real quick on some of the parenting notes you might have missed:
- Parenting Tips #551-560
- Parenting Tips #561-570
- My message on Mothers Day that had a profound effect on some people.
- Parenting Tips #571-580
Thank you. You’re awesome.
And now, the parenting tips for this week…
Parenting Tip #581
Parenting Tip #582
I try my damndest not to be a wasteful person, but I go through an absurd number of sticky notes every day.
I try to draft my ideas out on scrap paper before writing each note, but as soon as pen hits post-it note its DERRRRRRPPPPPPP.
I screw up the spacing.
I run out of space.
I misspell words.
Sometimes I leave words entirely out.
Luckily each pad comes with about 100 blank notes.
Im allowed to screw up 99 times.
I believe it was Jay-Z who said: Ive got 99 post-its but a derp aint one. #dadjokes
Parenting Tip #583
Parenting Tip #584
Parenting Tip #585
Parenting Tip #586
Yes, that’s poop. ?
The Tootsie Roll wrapper was pure coincidence. ?
(Edit- ITS NOT POOP! Jesus, you people dont think to highly of my parenting skills.)
Parenting Tip #587
First the 9-year-old. Now the 6-year-old. Both do this with regularity. ?
The story begins innocently enough and delves into depths a parent couldnt possibly follow, weaving in names, places, and callbacks to minor moments that occurred months ago, if ever at all. ?
I find myself asking questions like…?
Wait, whos Bob??
Your life long dream is to visit Paris? ?
WHEN WERE WE ON A SPACE SHUTTLE?!? ?
This afternoon, the youngest recounted a story from school, and Ill be honest I zoned out after Daddy, guess what happened at school? ?
I said What? and the tale began and within three seconds I was humming the Magnum P.I. theme song and oblivious to another human in the car. ?
and thats when my prediction came true. ?
What prediction, honey? ?
Werent you listening?!? ?
Of course I was listening. You were on a space shuttle. Then what? ?
Parenting Tip #588
Im not a bad cook, but Im better when left alone.
If Im juggling multiple parts of a meal, and the kids on my ass, sometimes all hell breaks loose.
Do you want to know the one thing I can never get right?
Frozen french fries.
I set the oven to the right temp and leave the fries in for the required amount of time, but they never come out perfect.
Theyre either overdone and super duper crispy or underdone potato sticks.
Perfect = tastes like McDonalds
Even they screw it up sometimes.
Theres nothing worse than biting into a french fry and remembering its a potato.
This is supposed to be bad for me! I dont want to taste vegetable! and then the McDonalds workers are completely confused because Im yelling at them from across the dining area.
Have you ever bought fries at a fast food place at the perfect moment? You know what Im talking about. Theyre just the right temperature and salted perfectly, and you just keep eating the fries and forget you bought a sandwich.
Then you finish the fries and cry because theyre gone and now youve got this sandwich with no fries and What the hell am I supposed to do now?!? and the McDonalds people have all agreed the right thing to do is call the police.
And that’s why I’m always making fries at home.
Parenting Tip #589
Parenting Tip #590
That’s right, kids. I’m on to you both.?
You’re still cute but the faces don’t work as well.?
You’re going to have to try something…?
Why are you hugging me? ?
You love me “to the moon and back”? ?
Well played. ?
You suck. ?
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How To Peel Sticky Notes Correctly – Because You’re Doing It Wrong