Just The Notes

Parenting Notes #390-395

I hate taking my daughter into public bathrooms. I don't even like using men's restrooms.

I’ve never been inside a women’s restroom.

Ok, there was one time, around the age of nine. I walked into the wrong bathroom at a deli. It was a single person bathroom and I didn’t notice my mistake until bumping into an old woman going into the bathroom.

She gave me the side-eye as I held the door open for her and noticed the female icon on the side of the door.

You’re never going to believe this but men are goddamn disgusting.

I hate taking my daughter into public bathrooms. I don’t even like using men’s restrooms. In an emergency, I’ll suck it up, but overall I’ll avoid touching anything. This means using the bathroom Mission Impossible-style, hanging mid-air over a toilet.

Maybe that’s the reason restrooms are so damn horrific.

The more public the bathroom, the more unsightly the conditions.

And MY GOD, the bathrooms at community parks and playground. Especially those restrooms that are nothing more enclosed and cozier port-o-johns.

“Hi, lady I don’t know walking into the bathroom. My daughter needs to use the facilities and I’m too frightened for our safety to take her into the men’s room.

Could you escort her into the ladies’ bathroom? I’ll wait outside.

You don’t have to wipe her, just tell her to walk outside with her pants down and I’ll take care of the rest. Just don’t let her touch anything.

No, the men’s room isn’t closed, it just looks like the outtakes from the new Predator movie inside.

Oh, you don’t believe me?

(opens restroom door)

I’m sorry you both had to see that. I’m not sure how poop gets on a ceiling either. I’ll call the Guinness Records people while you two are in the most-likely cleaner bathroom.”

How To Use Public Bathrooms

One of the cleanest spots is usually the toilet seat. A lot of people will wipe it all day, and [cleaners] tend to use disinfectants on it, saysChuck Gerba, Ph.D., a professor of microbiology and environmental sciences at the University of Arizona.

Huh. Who knew.

As for every other surface, DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!

If you’re looking for the best way to use public bathrooms, consult this helpful guide on how to use a public toilet from Greatist.

These tips include not squatting or hovering above the toilet, because it’s pointless. (But what am I going to do with all the rope tied around my waist?!?!)

And don’t just protect yourself, protect your personal items. Resting your phone on top of the toilet paper dispenser or putting your purse on the floor is just as likely to get random poop bacteria all over your persons.

While you’re attempting to keep your family germ free, here are some tips on avoiding the common cold.

Good luck and maybe just hold it until you get home.

Parenting Tip #390


Parenting Tip #391

The fart jokes – and farts – are never-ending.

Look, I love a good dad joke and laugh at toilet humor if it’s original and unexpected, but Jesus Christ, enough already.

I know toilet humor is an important developmental stage, but there’s only so much a person can take. And I can usually take a ton of fart jokes.

“Research in children shows that the subject of the humour changes as they develop. In very young children, a game of peek-a-boo is the subject of much amusement. In the preschool years, we see a fascination with jokes about excrement and toilets. Then jokes about social and gender roles come to be funny.”

Social and gender? He must be saving those jokes for his next Netflix special.

I’ve got to teach this kid the comedy rule of three and then that’s it for at least a couple of hours.

I also need to teach him out to fart downwind.

Parenting Tip #392


Parenting Tip #393


Last week, Smithsonian Magazine published a piece about the pain involved with stepping on LEGOs.

The article explains that Scott Bell, the Guinness World Record holder for walking on hot coals, isn’t nearly as painful on stepping barefoot on the miniature building blocks.

This guy gets paid to walk on, and teach how to walk on, hot coals and broken glass and he considers stepping on LEGOS way worse!

Out of the three that I do on a regular basis, its before I step on the Lego that I think Oh, this is going to be a bit uncomfortable, he says, laughing.

Now, if the man TRAINED to handle this situation thinks its painful, what chance do the rest of us have?!?!?

No chance.

Unless we’re BrainyBricks, the world record holder for barefoot LEGO walking.

Did you know there’s a Guinness World Record for stepping on LEGOs?


It was set by a human with a much higher pain tolerance than any of us.

Watch as BrainyBricks sets a new Guinness World Record for walking barefoot on LEGO pieces for 2,737 feet.

Maybe this guy will come put our kids to bed??

Parenting Tip #394


Parenting Tip #395


A few years ago, I wrote this article about the surprising things people can buy at Costco.

At this point, no item in Costco comes as a surprise.

“Oh, they sell used cars in here? Well, that makes sense. I might buy one just to drive around the store to make shopping faster.”


How To Peel Sticky Notes Correctly – Because You’re Doing It Wrong

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Chris Illuminati is a freelance writer and published author. Follow him on Twitter (@chrisilluminati), Instagram (@messagewithabottle) or email him at

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