Just The Notes

Funny & Real Parenting Advice Every Mom & Dad Will Appreciate – Notes #201-250

If you’re looking for real parenting advice on raising kids, well, you’ve possibly come to the right place.

While I’d never tell a person how to be a better parent — there’s books and videos that would do a much better job — I will share my own experiences in parenting.

If any of this funny parent advice makes parenting a little easier, I’ve done my job.

At the very least, it will make you laugh. Usually at me, and not with me.

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RELATED:

  • Honest & Funny Parenting Advice About Raising Young Kids
  • Funny Parenting Advice About Toddlers & Preschoolers
  • Funny Parenting Advice About Newborns

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As a kid, every third commercial on during daytime TV peddled some exoticcoffee. Coffeecommercialsfilled the slots between ads for accident lawyers.

Coffee thats so delicious it transports your entire mind, body, and soul to an exotic locale known for, Id assume, fucking good coffee. Magical destinations like Paris, Belize, and Teaneck, NJ (which is magical if the wind blows in the right direction).

This was back in the 80s when Starbucks didnt line every avenue like street lamps and Dunkin Donuts propaganda centered around a sleep-deprived middle-aged schlub dreading a life filled with making greasy, sugar balls at the crack of dawn. TIME TO MAKE THE DONUTS! but said like its an outtake fromThe Shining.

Those commercials still exist, though updated to reflect the fact housewives dont dream of Paris coffeehouses or attractive waiters named Jean Luc who might get to stick his French baguette in their oven before they fly home. New coffee commercials show women (and sometimes men) sipping coffee and luxuriating in a place they rarely get to relax their own house.

The makers of these overpriced ground beans implore people to enjoy the quiet of their finally empty house with a beautiful, warm mug of (INSERT CRAPPY COFFEE BRAND HERE).

Screw that.

Sure, an empty house is a fantastic place especially since I havent been alone in mine for over two years but sipping a cup of coffee and staring out the window is the last item on my agenda of things to do in an empty house.

Also, every time I stare out my windows I notice a lawn that needs cutting, weeds that need pulling and my neighbor avoiding his now five-year plan to finish a roof. Not precisely the Eiffel Tower or a Thomas Kincade portrait on the other side of that glass.

Whats the first thing Id do in an empty house? Probably sit down for a minute and think

Holy crap, Im alone. What were all those things Ive wanted to do when I finally had the house to myself? Oh, right, laundry, fix everything thats broken, rearrange the bookshelves.that all sounds like work. Well screw that, Im not doing work, and Im not sipping coffee. Ive got to find something relaxing to do.

[Sits on the couch. Flips on TV. Watches nothing.]

Shit, this is boring. Im going to Starbucks. I need a coffee.

Funny Parenting Tip #220

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This mistake in parenting lingo moment actually happened and the woman kept saying money shot and THE money shot and getting the money shot and LADY COULD YOU SAY IT AGAIN BECAUSE I WANTED TO PISS MY PANTS LAUGHING TODAY.

Oh, and in case youre clueless like this woman.Here you go.

Perhaps I should stop eavesdropping at the playground. But its so damn easy. And interesting.

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WHAT TO READ NEXT

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Chris Illuminati is a freelance writer and published author. Follow him on Twitter (@chrisilluminati), Instagram (@messagewithabottle) or email him at cilluminati@gmail.com.

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