Welcome to the latest installment of the funniest dad memes and tweets of the week.
My cabinets were empty of any caffeine so I needed to make a 5 am run to the store. Obviously, because of the time, the selection of places is limited. I went to a convenience store that also sells gas.
The store sells gas, coffee, candy, and snacks, and also makes better than average fried chicken. It’s 5:20 am. I pull on the door. Closed.
Look, either you’re a restaurant or a convenience store, YOU CAN’T BE BOTH!!! If you’re going to sell all the things people need at 5 am you better be goddamn sure you’re open at 5 am!
Oh, and I forgot, THEY SELL BREAKFAST SANDWICHES!!!!
I drive to a place I KNOW is open and when I get home check the hours of the chicken joint.
5 am – 11 pm
I chugged all the caffeine. It’s now caffeinated rage.
Please enjoy this collection of dad jokes, puns, memes, and rants from some funny AF dads while I cool the f*ck down.
Having a backyard party but no one has said ‘nice lawn’ so why are these people even here
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 3, 2022
Marriage is apologizing to your wife because you can sleep on a plane.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) June 9, 2022
I knew that my 5yo had been watching too much HGTV when his mom said he’d made a nice purple colour with his paints and he said “That’s not purple! That’s violet!”
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) June 9, 2022
My son is going to a theme park tomorrow, so he's watching videos about all the horrible things that can go wrong on roller coasters because he's super fun like his dad.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 9, 2022
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn't know we had
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) June 9, 2022
You think I do it because I’m a dad, but my sneezing fits realign my chakras
— ADHDean (@ADHDeanASL) June 8, 2022
do husbands even know they can just wash their own damn laundry?
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 9, 2022
I have concluded I will never be good at wrapping gifts. Here’s an old worn out bag with one handle, three scratched out names and some crumbled tissue in it, happy birthday.
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) June 9, 2022
Body collectors yelling BRING OUT YOUR DEAD during the Black Plague but it's just me going to my kids rooms to collect old cereal bowls and half-empty water bottles.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 9, 2022
Me: *on deathbed*
My kids: Before you go can you give us cut up apples, please
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) June 9, 2022
It's National Hug Your Cat Day.
You know who doesn't care?
— The Dad Briefs (@SladeWentworth) June 4, 2022
My daughter got to watch a movie at school today so I asked her which one expecting something educational and she said, “Aladdin,” then I remembered it’s the end of the school year and this is what 4th graders do to teachers.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) June 9, 2022