The Best Dad Jokes You’ve Probably Never Heard
Looking for the best dad jokes? Is there really such a thing?
I should know.I wrote a clean joke book. It almost killed me.
I spent months looking for the best dad jokes to put into the book.
Here are some of the best dad jokes that made it into the final book and a few more I wish I heard before the book went to press.
Funny Dad Jokes You Might Not Know
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”
My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-naaaa.
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!
Did you hear the rumor about butter? I really shouldn’t be spreading it.
I just nicknamed my new phone “Titanic” so whenever it’s charging I can say “the Titanic is synching.”
A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!
“My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?” “What a strange way to start a conversation with me.”
I told my son I’m named after Thomas Jefferson. He says, But dad, your name is Brian. I respond, I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell “Donald, duck!”
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, “First offender?” She says, “No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender.”
“I’ll call you later.” “Don’t call me later, call me Dad.”
“Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.”
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. Ha! That’s not going to help, she said. Sure, it does, I said. Its the only way I can see the numbers.
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it.
A dad died due to us not being able to remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting that we “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.
Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!
I’ve got a great pizza joke for you. Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.
Do you want a box for leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.
WAITRESS: “Soup or salad?”
DAD: “I dont want a SUPER salad, I want a regular salad.
“What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.”
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
Did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. And then it dawned on me.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
Did you hear that new band Plastic? They mostly wrap.
Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
Where do you go to learn to make banana splits? Sundae school.
Why did the math teacher call her student average? She was being mean.
What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Duunnnnnnng.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!!
Never kiss anyone on January 1st because it’s only the first date.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
Best Dad Jokes From Reddit r/ dadjokes
What’s Ironman without the suit? Stark naked
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then Soviet.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
I just had a near-sex experience. My wife flashed before my eyes.
What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up? The mean increases.
A girl came up to me and said she recognized me from her vegetarian restaurant. I was a bit confused, I’d never met herbivore.
What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt.
My wife is furious at our next-door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I’m on the fence.
I think it’s a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit. But that’s just my two scents.
20 Dad Jokes For Fathers Who Love A Good Pun
- How do you throw a space party? You planet.
- Why can’t towels cant tell jokes? They have a dry sense of humor.
- What is it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.
- Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.
- I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
- I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
- Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
- Who invented King Arthurs round table? Sir Cumference.
- Why was King Arthurs army too tired to fight? All of those sleepless knights.
- How do turtles communicate with each other? With shell phones.
- A scarecrow says, “This job isn’t for everyone, but hay, it’s in my jeans.”
- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Hes all right now.
- Sausage puns are the wurst.
- What’s Americas favorite soda? Mini soda.
- The Energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.
- Do you know sign language? You should learn it, its pretty handy.
- What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
- What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back for seconds.
- How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
- My leaf blower doesnt work. It just sucks!
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Dad Joke Books Every Father (& Kids) Should Own
- Dad Jokes: Good, Clean Fun for All Ages!
- Dad Jokes: Terribly Good Dad Jokes (Volume 1)
- 101 So Bad, They’re Good Dad Jokes
- Dad Jokes: The Punniest Joke Book Ever
- The Very Embarrassing Book of Dad Jokes
What Is A Dad Joke?
During the book writing process, I remember the editor saying in several email conversations to “concentrate on the dad joke.”
Sure. That’s easy enough. But first, please explain, “what the hell is a dad joke?!?”
I mean I know what people consider to be the hallmarks of a dad joke.
Usually told hundreds of times but in a way that makes it sound like it’s the first time.
What exactly classifies a joke as a dad joke? Is it the age of the joke teller? Does a joke automatically become a dad joke if the man telling it is over 40? What if a woman or teen boy tells the same joke? Is it still a “dad joke?”
And finally, are all of my post-it notes merely impeccably written dad jokes? I’m a father. They’re humorous. Are they automatically lumped along with other eye-rollers like”What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.”
The Perfect Dad Joke
“I think a dad joke,” explains Daniel Kibblesmith, “and just to be clear, ‘dad joke’ gets thrown around a lot more, but there’s no shortage of moms doing this kind of material — has to be groan-inducing. Right from the get-go, you’re not looking for a laugh. It’s a weird combination of wanting attention, but setting yourself up to fail.”
Kibblesmith is an expert on joke writing. It’s how he makes his living. He’s a writer on “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” and author of the hilarious and heartwarming new book Santa’s Husband. Offering a fresh twist on Kris Kringle, Santa’s Husband is a witty and heartfelt book that tells the story of a black Santa, his white husband, and their life in the North Pole.
With a book tackling all those topics, it’s obvious that Kibblesmith has a sense of humor.
Kibblesmith and I broke down the intricacies of dad jokes and precisely what makes this type of humor both loved and loathed.
“It doesn’t have to be a pun, but given the general acceptance of puns as groaners, it’ go-to. You can also play dumb about something, in a way that is so deadpan that it doesn’t land as a joke and you’re actually inconveniencing someone. My favorite dad joke oft-performed by my dad is whenever the server in a restaurant sets down the bread in front of him, he says, “I didn’t order this.” Get it? No one ORDERS the bread!”
The prototypical dad joke also occasionally creeps its way into Kibblesmith’s day job.
“Stephen Colbert is a real Capital D ‘Dad,’ so I think he makes them work, but they’re usually more like incredibly self-indulgent puns, that have — on occasion — been known to trigger a disembodied hand reaching up from beneath the desk to high-five him afterward.”
A Dad Joke Writer In Training
While not yet a father, Kibblesmith is already in training when the day arrives.
“Just this weekend, my wife and I were at the airport. I ask her what gate we were going to, and she says ‘C-8.’ I reply, ‘Go Fish.’ The worst part is that I wasn’t even thinking of the right game, I probably meant to say, ‘You sunk my Battleship.’ So yeah, I’m ready to be a parent.”
Alright, I know you have one, so let’s hear it. Leave your best dad jokes in the comments, and if it makes me laugh, I’ll add it to the list AND send you a copy of Daniel Kibblesmith’s new book Santa’s Husband.
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