How was my week?
The kids are in the backseat. We’re driving back to their mom’s house.
My daughter announces “umm, dad, I have a problem” and I glance at the rearview mirror and see a stream of blood springing from her nose like she’s cosplaying Eleven from Stranger Things.
She’s calm though. My son is calm too, reminding us both this “used to happen to him in school all the time.”
The bleeding stops after a minute.
Earlier in the morning, she complained of a headache. I’m remembering this fact while thinking about her bloody nose and now my brain is playing WebMD and I’m working through at least a hundred different scenarios.
What if it’s Covid? What if it’s brain cancer? What if it’s all my fault and if I just listened when she said she had a headache and took her to the emergency room immediately then a possibly awful outcome could have been avoided.
While drifting off into mental panic I almost drifted into oncoming traffic and swerved back into my lane before hitting another car.
I worried about her condition for the rest of the car ride.
We pull into the driveway and she sprints out of the car and joins a group of neighborhood kids standing around in the street.
Later that night, I find her bloody tissues on the floor of my car.
I thought to myself, “I’m going to kill her the next time I see her.”
My daughter asked for avocado toast for breakfast and I've never felt like more of a failure as a parent.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) January 22, 2021
“I need you to go get me the food that I’m craving and I need it right now but I don’t know what it is yet and you have to get it right on the first try”
– my pregnant wife, just now
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) January 22, 2021
Her: [laughs] you're such a DORK!
Her: [sighs] you're such an IDIOT.
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) January 22, 2021
I am a mom, which means that when I use the term “No Filter,” it has nothing to do with a selfie. “No Filter” in my world is probably referring to events like today, when my 5yo announced that he had to poop to everyone in his Zoom classroom.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) January 22, 2021
One thing no one ever tells you about being an adult is how much time you’ll spend filling out forms.
— Gila Pfeffer (@Gilapfeffer) January 21, 2021
My 4 year old: Anyway, since we’re talking about me…
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) January 21, 2021
was feeling really depressed but then we got a puppy so now I’m depressed and cleaning up dog shit
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) January 21, 2021
If someone says, “Twenty years ago…” and you think they mean the 80’s, we can be friends.
— *Baseball Chickie!* (@baseballchickie) November 14, 2020
Had to use a day of vacation to catch up on reading all the emails from my kids’ schools.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 21, 2021
My husband just shushed me. He will be missed.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 21, 2021
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 21, 2021
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) January 19, 2021
My wife bought a box of mini ice cream sandwiches for the kids and–long story short–I ate the whole thing.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 22, 2021
Thank you, Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter for not having the “see who viewed your profile” feature so stalkers like myself can roam free.
Fuck you, LinkedIn.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) January 19, 2021
My daughter just said “pizza is yuck”
Lmao, I hope she enjoys her new foster home.
— PieGuy (@ilovepie84) January 22, 2021
My kids are all playing Minecraft together in creative mode.
It's an infinite world with infinite space and infinite resources.
They're still fighting.
Even utopia isn't enough.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 22, 2021
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) January 16, 2021
Trying to raise your kid to be a good person is so exhausting, no wonder the world is full of assholes
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 21, 2021
If you ever walk into your kitchen & say “what the fuck happened in here?” you might have kids.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 20, 2021