I’m an avid listener of the Marc Maron podcast. Occasionally, he’ll start off the show by addressing the audience and saying “how are you? You doing alright?”
I always appreciated that opening because it felt as though he was talking just me to and asking how I’m doing.
I’m going to pay it forward.
How are you? How are you doing? Doing alright? Drinking enough water? Sleeping enough? Something on your mind?
Hopefully, that help.
If it doesn’t, these tweets and memes might.
My kid just called me a buzzkill. Clearly I’m a great parent.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) January 29, 2021
4: I have little boobs
4: you have big boobs
Me: yes, true
4: daddy has big boobs too
Me: …don’t tell him that
— 💙MichiMama💙 (@michimama75) January 28, 2021
Toddler just stole his brothers math book and held it out to the dog, saying "Eat, Thor! Eat!" And when the dog wouldn't eat it, he tried to eat it.
That would have been an interesting conversation with the teacher. "The dog? No, he's too picky. The toddler ate his homework."
— Just Heather 🖤 (@weedswildflowrs) January 29, 2021
Marriage is finding the one person you dislike slightly less than anyone else and deciding to pay bills together
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) January 27, 2021
Nobody talks about the parenting milestone where you finally get rid of all the plastic dishes.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) January 29, 2021
My mom lives alone and likes to text me and my sister some things she's about to do in case she dies. 😂 💀 pic.twitter.com/7GEDzsHE5I
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 29, 2021
My autocorrect changed "I meditated" to "I medicated," which was more honest.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) January 27, 2021
Listen, I understand that COVID-19 is real, but all I’m saying is that my 5yo used an abundance of painter’s tape to attach the toilet seat to the toilet lid today just for shits and giggles, so sometimes it feels like I have bigger fish to fry with germs in this house 🥴.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) January 28, 2021
i hope this email finds you unhappy and burned out. i hope it is your last straw
— jonny sun has a new book coming out in april! (@jonnysun) January 28, 2021
“Stop calling each other names, you jackasses!”
-me, parenting by example
— Gila Pfeffer (@Gilapfeffer) January 28, 2021
Whenever Alexa isn’t doing what they want, my kids come whine at me to fix it. Like, bitches, I can’t get you two to listen to me half the time what makes you think the robot’s gonna be any different
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) January 29, 2021
Are my tits still magnificent after breastfeeding three kids? No. But do I have an other-worldly ass to make up for it? Also no.
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) January 29, 2021
These Dunkin Donuts workers are the true heroes. They see me almost every morning looking like complete shit.
— *Baseball Chickie!* (@baseballchickie) January 26, 2021
Well I got my Covid vaccine. Waiting around to see if there are any allergic reactions. So far the only issue is my penis seems to have grown longer and thicker, making my jeans feel tight.
— Dad That Writes ☕ (@dadthatwrites) January 28, 2021
Did anyone else grow up thinking it was ok to eat a “test grape” at the grocery store?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 29, 2021
My husband and I just got two additional streaming services so now we can argue about even more shows that one of us doesn’t want to watch.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 29, 2021
the next time everyone’s about to make a lot of money super easily could someone shoot me a text
— Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) January 28, 2021
My toddler had a little bit of yogurt on her hands so by the transitive property everything in our house is now covered in yogurt.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 29, 2021
A few months ago when my kids wanted to go on a bike ride they'd bring us something they associate with bikes: their helmets. It worked half the time. Now when they want to go on a bike ride they bring us something *we* associate with bikes: beers & koozies. It works every time.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 29, 2021
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 27, 2021
In case you wondered why we're running late, my kids got distracted from getting ready because they were discussing the ethical dilemmas of time travel.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 29, 2021