No talk-up this week. Just coming with the funny. But I will remind everyone to check out my new line of Post-It Notes with 3M.
Here are this week’s dad jokes, mom puns, funny tweets, memes, and plain old rants from other parents.
11-year-old: At school, we're doing a play called Guys and Dolls. It's set a really long time ago.
Me: Oh, really?
11: Yeah. Like the 1990s.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 9, 2021
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) December 9, 2021
My kids have SO many hobbies
Leaving cabinet doors open
Placing clothes directly outside of the basket
Wearing weather inappropriate clothing
Waiting until 9pm to tell me a project is due
Leaving turds in the toilet
The list goes on
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) December 7, 2021
My toddler asked if we took her with us when I went to the hospital to give birth to her in case you were wondering what youngest child syndrome looks like
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) December 10, 2021
Accidentally put on a Christmas jazz playlist and now I can’t stop welcoming everyone to Pottery Barn.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 9, 2021
I never corrected my neighbor when she got my name wrong and now too much time has passed and it would just be easier to change my name tbh
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) December 8, 2021
Explained what “paradise” meant to my 5 y/o and she said, “oh, like sleeping on marshmallows” so now I’m re-examining my life goals.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) December 9, 2021
I sent my 5 year old to go wash some apples for a snack. He walked up behind me a minute later and handed me one. I took a bite and turned around to ask where the others were. As I chewed, he pulled them from inside his underwear, which he'd used to carry them all back hands-free
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) December 6, 2021
I knew it was gonna be a long night when my 4yo said “I can’t sleep when my eyes are closed”
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) December 9, 2021
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
— Jingle Bell Jawbreaker 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) December 3, 2021
If you haven’t had sex in a long time, that’s called mourning wood
— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) December 9, 2021
so many gems in this fake report card my 7yo made but omg pic.twitter.com/6vAMOywOXG
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) December 6, 2021
me: haha i love that ugly Christmas sweater!
her: this is just a Christmas sweater
me: this is why i don't talk to people.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) December 9, 2021
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