Before we jump into the funny stuff I have a question to ask – Have you ever listened to the universe? I mean really listened to the universe.
Here’s an example – did you ever think about someone that you haven’t thought about in months and then a day later they call or text? Did you ever mention a song and randomly that song plays not long after? That’s the universe telling you things.
I’m bringing this up because I’m high as fuck. Kidding. I’m bringing it up because I read something in one of these tweets that brought back a memory of a random moment in my life. It reminded me of a specific person. I reached out to the person. The first words out of their mouth? “Holy shit, I was just thinking about you before!”
The universe does weird shit. Start listening.
Here are this week’s dad jokes, mom puns, funny tweets, memes, and plain old rants from other parents.
“When anyone tells me I can’t do anything, I’m just not listening anymore.”
– gold medal winner Florence Griffith Joyner. Also, my 4 year old.
— Xennaissance Dad (@XennDad) February 10, 2022
i don’t know who needs to hear this but pick up the damn ice cubes that fell on the floor
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) February 11, 2022
Child: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me [having beer and cheese for dinner]: some days are better than others
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 11, 2022
I shed so much hair, I couldn't commit a perfect murder if I tried.
— Lara 🌏⬇️🐨 (@Eithercryingor) February 2, 2022
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) February 7, 2022
My husband: Is this about your bangs?
— Jawbreaker ❤️ (@sixfootcandy) February 5, 2022
3: MOM! I brought you an orange golf ball!
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) February 10, 2022
You know how they say distance makes the heart grow fonder? I’d like a chance to try that with my kids
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) February 11, 2022
Me: [Asks the Teen to help me take out the garbage.]
The Teen: Ugh. Didn’t we just do that like four days ago?
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) February 11, 2022
My Olympic sport is the drop off line at my kids school. I am prepped and ready to shove him out of the car as soon as I’m below 5 mph in order to keep it moving. Gold medalist.
— Tiffany (@tiffanytweets80) February 11, 2022
Before I had teens I had no idea that the letter "K" could answer questions like, "How was your day?"
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) February 11, 2022
Do you ever buy nice new tupperware because you’re tired of the old and gross containers you have but you don’t want to mess up the nice new ones so you just keep using the old gross ones?
— Mom Meh Dearest🤦🏼♀️ (@mommeh_dearest) February 10, 2022
just a reminder that you're the parent and you're in charge. give that kid any color cup you want. lol jk don't do that you'll die
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) February 9, 2022
Toddler just put herself in timeout. Accountability is important. Now we just need to figure out what she did.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) February 10, 2022
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 10, 2022
My 6-year-old isn't one for public displays of affection, but she just sang an entire song about how much she loves cheese.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 9, 2022