Nothing much to report this week but before we get into this week’s jokes, I want to give a special shoutout to my friends over at Faux Toys. D & C (names protected because they’ve got a regular 9-5) are selling some hilariously awesome baby toys over on their website.
They’re parents – just like us – and their toddler and young baby’s total disregard for rules gave them the idea for this website. Since their kids would freak out when mom and dad wouldn’t let them play with real soda cans, remote controls, and car keys, D & C created their own kid-friendly versions.
Go check out their entire line of toys on Don’t Play With That! from Faux Toys.
Here are this week’s dad jokes, mom puns, funny tweets, memes, and plain old rants from other parents.
Everyone should have a pair of emotional support boobies
— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) February 25, 2022
7 wanted to sleep on top of his blankets tonight. the reason? "i don't want to make my bed anymore".
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) February 25, 2022
have kids so they can run into your room at six am yelling, “MOM ITS THE WEEKEND! WE DON’T HAVE TO WAKE UP BECAUSE ITS THE WEEKEND!”
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) February 19, 2022
By the time my kids go to college, the entire curriculum will just be taught as a series of TikTok videos.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 22, 2022
I made a grilled cheese and my 4yo said “I do not want mac and cheese!”
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) February 23, 2022
My wife asked me "what's the most annoying thing I do?" like I'm dumb enough to answer that question.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 23, 2022
absolutely no one:
my 4yo: dad you're a weirdo
— Xennaissance Dad (@XennDad) February 23, 2022
OnStar but for parents that need to be rescued and sent help for their kids math homework… NerdStar™️
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) February 25, 2022
My 4 y/o has trouble aiming when standing up to pee. His 6 y/o brother wants to show him how it's done, which would be like having Cookie Monster teach how to properly use silverware.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) February 24, 2022
Once you’re married giving oral pleasure to your wife implies keeping your mouth shut
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 24, 2022
If yelling my kids names repeatedly until they answer gave me abs, then I would have a 6 pack.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) February 23, 2022
My family encouraged me to drink wine so I'd be buzzed from something other than work in case you're wondering what mom they prefer.
— Lara 🌏⬇️🐨 (@Eithercryingor) February 25, 2022
Me: How does it feel to be 6 now?
6yo: It's kinda boring.
— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) February 25, 2022
4: You never want to play Xbox with me. You always say you’re too tired or you have a headache!
Me: I’ve heard this before.
— Mom Meh Dearest🤦🏼♀️ (@mommeh_dearest) February 25, 2022
My 5yo does this new thing where she looks at baby pictures of herself and asks “what was I saying here?” and “what did you say?” Over and over and over. With every single picture. I didn’t think it was possible to not enjoy looking at baby pictures. I was wrong.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) February 25, 2022
My kid just turned 3, is it too late to get an epidural
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) February 23, 2022
Some days parenting is just a lot of waiting for bedtime.
— Mama Needs A Coke (@MamaNeedsACoke) February 16, 2021
If you’re feeling stressed today I just want to remind you that no one can stop you from buying and eating a birthday cake all by yourself.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) February 24, 2022
Wife: I don’t have to work tomorrow, so don’t wake me up in the morning.
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 25, 2022
I opened the middle zipper on 5’s backpack this morning and found a bunch of googly eyes.
I have questions but I’m also too afraid to ask them.
— Marissa 💛💚 (@michimama75) February 24, 2022
thankful for my irritable kids, messy house, and usual aches and pains this morning, for we are safe.
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) February 25, 2022
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) February 9, 2022
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) February 25, 2022
You see that beautiful tree in our yard? I planted that tree before you were even born
Daughter: Uh, ok. Can I have a snack?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 24, 2022