My kids have off from school today. Again. It’s not the days off that bother me it’s the fact that they don’t even know WHY they have off.
“Why is school closed?”
They both shrug.
As a kid, I KNEW why I had off because we rarely had off. I went to Catholic school. We only had off for holidays. That’s about it. And not even all the holidays.
Our teachers didn’t have “in-service” days. They handled that meeting bullshit on their own time. THERE WERE JESUS LESSONS TO GET TO!
Now, kids get the day off because it’s a Thursday, even though it’s only Tuesday.
OK, I’m done bitching.
Enjoy this week’s dad jokes, mom puns, funny tweets, memes, and plain old rants from other parents.
10 y/o daughter said a boy named, Bryan, was trying to roast her at recess so she told him, “This has been fun, Brad, but I have to go.” I said I thought his name was Bryan and she smiled and said, “It is.”
She’ll do just fine with bullies.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) March 10, 2022
4: at least there’s no spiders in the car!
me: *suddenly very concerned there are spiders in the car*
— meghan (@deloisivete) March 10, 2022
My 4yo was sad and just wanted to put a blanket over his head. When do I tell him this is how it feels to be an adult?
— Xennaissance Dad (@XennDad) March 11, 2022
6yo: this is my boyfriend
me: what’s his name?
6yo, whispers to boy: what’s your name?
me: been there
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) March 9, 2022
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) March 10, 2022
Wife: OH MY GOD, WHAT WAS THAT SOUND?!?
12yo: It was the ice maker, mom, stop watching so many murder shows
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 6, 2022
Child: What’s for dinner?
Me: Meatball subs.
Child: Can I have mine without cheese?
Child: And no sauce.
Me: Um. Oka-
Child: And no meatballs.
Me: So just-
Child: Just bread, yes.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 9, 2022
People to me, a WFH freelancer, before the pandemic: OMG, how do you work from home every day?? I could never do it, I need to be around people, I'd go crazy
People now: I WILL SOONER GOUGE MY EYES OUT WITH A MELON BALLER THAN EVER SET FOOT IN AN OFFICE AGAIN
— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 9, 2022
You know gas prices are bad when parents turn their engines off while waiting in the school pickup line
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) March 11, 2022
Our family needs a subscription for bags of shredded cheese.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 10, 2022
Thinking about driving to see my sister but since the price of gas is so high, I’d have to sell my kid.
So that’s a maybe.
— Marissa 💚💛🍀 (@michimama75) March 9, 2022
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 10, 2022
Every parent knows the panic that ensues when your kid finds a REALLY good hiding place during hide and seek.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) March 10, 2022
being almost 40 means being mad at birds every morning for irrational reasons.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 10, 2022
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and forward all the episodes of her series to the last five minutes
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 28, 2022
My son claimed he couldn't see anything with all of his hair hanging in his face, so I flipped him the bird and he burst out laughing.
He can see fine.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) March 9, 2022
13yo: I would love my family so much more if you got rid of my brothers.
— Lara 🌏⬇️🐨 (@Eithercryingor) March 8, 2022
Me: I just want to know what a full night's sleep is like. Can you just give me that?
1yo: *shakes head furiously*
— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) March 10, 2022
5: I want lunch I’m starving
Me: You’re not starving you already ate lunch
5: I know but now I need after lunch
— Mom Meh Dearest🤦🏼♀️ (@mommeh_dearest) March 10, 2022
Every time a Mom catches up on laundry, a child pees the bed.
— Avocado Mama (@HeatherStenwall) March 6, 2022
I need to talk on the phone not once or twice but FIVE separate times today for parent teacher conferences with each of my 13yo’s teachers so don’t tell me I don’t make sacrifices for my kids.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) March 10, 2022