In the latest installment of “Getting Older Is Bullshit,” I had to get new glasses. I accidentally rolled over my old pair in bed and had to wait two weeks for the new pair to be made.
Longest two weeks ever.
I had to glue the old pair together and got glue on the lens so I couldn’t really see through that lens.
Here’s my problem – my original pair of glasses were for distance but also worked for the computer. My new pair is specifically for computer and also reading (which is now a slight problem).
These new glasses are transitional. I can read great. I can see the monitor perfectly. When I look away, up, or anywhere farther than a few feet, I’m essentially blind.
I think I need a second pair of distance glasses.
I’ll soon be a person with multiple pairs of glasses.
This concludes “Getting Older Is Bullshit.”
**BEFORE WE MOVE ON TO THE TWEETS AND MEMES! AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!**
My friend Andy from How To Be A Dad has a new book out that I want everyone to support.
Humor is often referred to as the best medicine for many situations, even puns, and this collection of Dad Jokes—guaranteed the most groan-and-forehead-slap-worthy on the market—offers a broad selection of humorous (and often painful) puns and quips.
This book is organized by joke theme, includes 100+ illustrations, and is up to date with current events (“Because of the pandemic, they’re having to televise the World Origami Championship. It’s on paperview.”)
Ok, now tweets and memes.
Oh wow, okay. Securing a Covid vaccination just became the new hunger games.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) March 24, 2021
why don’t people name their kids methuselah anymore
— cella paz (@cellapaz) March 25, 2021
I don’t think it’s wise to assume that robots are too stupid to click “I’m not a robot”
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) March 25, 2021
If you like surprises – like, say, finding a toothbrush in your shoe – parenting may be right for you
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) March 26, 2021
Christopher: do you take Walkens?
— erinaceous (@Mom_Overboard) March 25, 2021
Welcome to Twitter. It doesn’t matter what you’re arguing about. The important thing is that you’re angry.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 24, 2021
I am not a 'large' i am a 'quarantine medium', please adjust your clothing labels
— Your Sole Nate ☕️ 🧙♂️ (@perlhack) March 25, 2021
I hear the secret to a long marriage is flossing in a room far away from your wife.
— Daisy (@Daisyldoo) March 26, 2021
My coping mechanisms are cake and more cake.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 26, 2021
When I see someone my age out past 10PM I know they also took a nap earlier in the day.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) March 24, 2021
My son just told me that he LOVES the new toy trucks they got at daycare. They are his toy trucks. We donated them because he refused to play with them.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 26, 2021
Welcome to being the parent of boys. Netflix won't be the only thing with streaming issues.
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) March 25, 2021
I’m starting GoFindMe, an app for married couples to play while in the same store.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) March 24, 2021
5yo: Can I have one more story?
Me: Tomorrow, buddy, it’s time for bed.
5yo: Pleaaaassseee my beautiful mommy?!!
Well played, kid.
— Satirical Mommy (@MommySatirical) March 25, 2021
Just overheard the phrase, "pregnant with a baby," and secretly wondered what the other options were
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) March 25, 2021
Parenting books don’t prepare you for your teens hoarding all of your dishes & silverware in their bedrooms.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 23, 2021
I don’t want to pay for cable so I have 1200 subscriptions instead
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) March 24, 2021
I mistakenly assumed that something as 'beautiful' as childbirth would have less shitting in it
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) March 26, 2021
“You had kids. You can’t complain when they act like kids.”
You came at me like an asshole. You can’t complain when I treat you like you’re full of shit.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) March 25, 2021
Sometimes I think about the fact that my oldest daughter’s name means peace and I laugh so hard that I cry.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) March 25, 2021
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