Before we jump into the funny stuff this week, I wanted to give another shoutout to my friends over at Faux Toys. They posted this great article about why babies always take our things that aren’t really toys. I feel learned after reading it.
You’ll feel learned after this week’s dad jokes, mom puns, funny tweets, memes, and plain old rants from other parents. OK, maybe not learned, but you’ll at least laugh and feel better.
Let’s do this.
No parenting book tells you how to get pudding out of the charging port of an iPad.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 3, 2022
A fidget spinner, but it's just my 3yo climbing into my bed at 3am
— Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ (@CafeinatedBacon) March 3, 2022
I was having problems with my work computer so I called my IT guy and he was like, “You really need to stop calling me when I’m at school, Mom.”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 3, 2022
My 4 y/o said, "Wonder Woman isn't real." I pointed to his mom & said, "of course she is." So don't tell me I don't know how to try & apologize for forgetting to buy more wine.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 4, 2022
Kindergarten pick-up is just a parade of kids carrying different size boxes stuck together with tape
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) March 3, 2022
Freedom before the baby: Closing down the bars.
Freedom after the baby: Flipping a coin to see who gets to make the diaper run.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) March 3, 2022
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the first time your kid is able to read public restroom graffiti.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) February 25, 2022
i excel in taking 2 hours to complete a 5 minute task
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) March 2, 2022
One day you’re young and carefree and the next the highlight of your day is the brand of bacon you buy being on sale.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) March 2, 2022
Me, minding my own business:
5: you look pretty and creepy today, mommy
— Marissa 💚💛🍀 (@michimama75) March 3, 2022
i get bloated from breathing air now
-me flirting with my wife
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 3, 2022
Whenever my kids miss curfew, I remember the days when I used to miss my curfews and what I was doing that made me miss them and then I make their curfews three hours earlier.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 4, 2022
My husband told me that we need an apartment so the kids have the house, we have the apartment, and we take turns taking care of them.
I can’t tell if he’s brilliant or if he’s trying to divorce me.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) March 3, 2022
Don’t mind me, I’m just arranging play dates for my kids so I can throw shit out while they’re gone
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) March 4, 2022
I did not give my 9yo guidance on what to write in the thank you note to my aunt who sent her birthday money, and it reads as follows: “Thank you for the check. I don’t really know how to use one, but it’s okay.”
— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 3, 2022
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) March 2, 2022
Establish dominance by replying to your kid’s “Knock knock” joke with “Door’s open.”
— The Dad Briefs (@SladeWentworth) March 4, 2022
if you never worried your baby was gonna stay cross-eyed, you're a goddamn liar
— Xennaissance Dad (@XennDad) March 3, 2022
My 5yo told me I hurt her feelings cause I wouldn’t let her have a popsicle for dinner and then said she’ll “never be happy again” and her tears will “never be gone” and I deserve an academy award for not laughing at this level of drama.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) March 3, 2022
Me: In the case of my untimely death I want you to have me cremated and turned into a diamond so you can give it to your next wife so I can always be watching over that hoe.
Husband: Yes dear.
— Mom Meh Dearest🤦🏼♀️ (@mommeh_dearest) March 3, 2022
The toddler's ability to fidget even in sleep is almost enviable, if the thought alone wasn't so exhausting.
— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) March 3, 2022
Every teenage boy becomes a fidget spinner when their parents try to hug them.
— Lara 🌏⬇️🐨 (@Eithercryingor) March 3, 2022
I have a love/hate relationship with my kids.
I love them 100% of the time.
I hate the stupid shit that they do 100% of the time.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) March 3, 2022
My wife got upset when I told her to do laundry with lavender scented detergent her reaction proves that lavender doesn’t have any calming effect
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) March 3, 2022
me: *doesn’t want to be objectified by men
a man: *doesn’t objectify me
— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) March 4, 2022
global pandemic, Russia-Ukraine war, my kid brought home a kazoo
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) February 28, 2022
Please respect my privacy during this time*
*eating in my parked car
— meghan (@deloisivete) March 2, 2022