It’s been a rough week personally. I’ll survive but a few things have been dragging me down. I’m usually intensely positive but the past five days have taken a toll.
I’m walking around the house will my sad pants on when I hear yelling coming from the parking lot. Typically when I hear yelling I don’t go and look because I don’t give a crap. This time I heard more than a few F-bombs. Well, they’re speaking my language, so now I need to go look at what all the hubbub is about.
A maintenance guy is cleaning up around the dumpster and cursing people for “not knowing how to fucking throw out garbage.” He’s right. People do suck at throwing out trash. Sometimes they’ll miss the dumpster completely and just leave bags of trash next to it, in front of it, everywhere but in the receptacle.
At that moment I realized that life could always be worse. I could be the guy cleaning up other people’s trash. It’s all about perspective. The situation made me feel a little better.
I felt even better when I yelled at him to shut the fuck up and stop yelling, I’m trying to get work done.
Please enjoy this collection dad jokes, mom puns, funny tweets, memes, and regular old rants from parents just like us.
If you April fools me, don’t be too proud of yourself. I’m very gullible.
Also, congratulations on your pregnancy, your trip to the moon, your big move to a foreign country and of course on quitting your job.
— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) April 1, 2022
My children are running through the house trying to see who can make the best Turkey call.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) April 1, 2022
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) March 31, 2022
Me: Today it says, “Show your school spirit by wearing school colors or a school shirt…”
Child (8): Ugh! I don’t have school spirit. I have…I wanna stay home spirit.
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) April 1, 2022
My hips don't lie because they be like, "Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids."
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 31, 2022
Autocorrect just changed “self care” to “self can’t” and I’ve just come up with a new way to describe having kids.
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 25, 2022
Spring cleaning but it's just me sneezing my brains out because of all this pollen I'm breathing in.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) March 25, 2022
What he asked for: 20 piece nugget
What I brought him: 17 piece nugget
— Mom Meh Dearest🤦🏼♀️ (@mommeh_dearest) March 31, 2022
3yo: Mommy when I'm sick I just want a donut.
Me: Are you sick now?
— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) March 31, 2022
My 4yo has started saying “There it is!” every time the smoke alarm goes off and honestly I should just stop cooking dinner.
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 31, 2022
My daughter told me, “ever since I turned 10 all I’ve wanted to do is be 7 again,” so apparently 4th grade is when that lifelong existential crisis begins.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) March 31, 2022
My kid just told me to “relax” so if you’re looking for him he’ll be sleeping on the couch with his dad
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) March 31, 2022
Me: I'm happy today
Overthinking me: Let's revisit that premise shall we?
— Lara 🌏⬇️🐨 (@Eithercryingor) March 31, 2022
me: I love you
3: I like my bandaid
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) March 31, 2022
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) March 31, 2022
Found the ensemble I’ll be wearing to take the kids to the town pool this summer, thanks Anthropologie pic.twitter.com/DjDKYXU46q
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 1, 2022
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) March 31, 2022
Got this fun new bath soap that makes blue bubbles. My 7yo loves it, and the most amazing part is how the water turns green by the end of the bath. So magical.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) March 31, 2022
My toddler has learned the wonderful art of communication to show me what she needs.
*slaps me in the face with the book she wants me to read*
— Terri Fry (@momlikethat1) March 31, 2022