Welcome to another edition of “parents just barely making it,” better known as, “the funniest tweets and memes of the week.”
Two significant things happened in my life in the span of twenty minutes this week. I talk about those experiences in detail on the most recent episode of my podcast.
Here’s the TL;DR version: in a span of twenty minutes the kids and I witnessed a major accident on the highway right before our eyes and I got a phone call from my biggest freelance client saying due to “budget cuts” that, well, you can figure out the rest.
I’ll be fine. I hope everyone involved in the accident was fine.
I retold these events to my co-host on my other podcast, and said how I’m actually alright with losing the job because it frees up a ton of time for personal projects. She asked me a really great question – “would you have taken the layoff as well if you didn’t witness the horrific accident just moments before.”
I still don’t have the answer to that question. Witnessing the accident was a stark reminder to stop sweating the small, uncontrollable stuff.
I wasn’t having the best morning because the kids are on Spring Break and I couldn’t get any work done because they had nothing to do and were on my ass looking for stuff to do.
An SUV smashing into a guardrail at a high rate of speed and spinning out of control was a visual reminder that no finishing an article about professional wrestling isn’t the worst thing in the world.
This is my long-winded way of saying that life can change INSTANTLY and take things moment by moment.
Also, maybe stick to the side roads once in a while. Seems much safer.
(Takes off Debbie Downer pants. Puts on fun dad pants)
How about some funny tweets and memes, huh?!?!
I was trying to type marriage and it autocorrected to marathon and I don’t think that was an accident.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) March 30, 2021
All these racist people are out here trying to blame alcohol for their outbursts and we’re just over here drunkenly texting our friends that we love them for the 34,000th time.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) April 1, 2021
is jesus gonna convert a few waters to wine for me first? pic.twitter.com/iay5M3NJuu
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) April 1, 2021
Foreplay in your forties is your wife texting you to pick something up at the store on your way home, and you remember.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) April 2, 2021
Absolutely no one:
My 4yo: When I was in your tummy it was super gross in there
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) March 25, 2021
My current idea of cardio is running across the house to click Skip Ad on a video while my 4yo yells at me
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) March 31, 2021
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 1, 2021
Imagine not knowing enough about a subject to give an informed opinion and just keeping your mouth shut…
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) April 1, 2021
When did you know you were becoming your parents, and
why was it the day you started
saving gift bags?
— Satirical Mommy (@MommySatirical) March 28, 2021
*Text from a friend*
Her: When you were pregnant, did you feel super annoyed by your husband?
Me: That’s cute you think I needed pregnancy for that.
— MommyCocktail (@MommyCocktail) April 1, 2021
Kids: Why do Mom’s and Dad’s like alcohol so much?
Me: *fires up power point presentation*
I thought you’d never ask.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) April 1, 2021
6yr old: Whoa that is a really big cat.
Me: Um, that’s a cow.
— SingleBabyMama (@_SingleBabyMama) April 2, 2021
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now whereareourclothesthekidsareawake!
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) April 2, 2021
I let the girl in front of me at the DMV use my phone to text her ride. I'll be crying in the shower if you guys need me. pic.twitter.com/gceAojAe30
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) April 1, 2021
All dads have a Fear of Missing Garbage Day.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 29, 2021
me: it’s bedtime!
hubs: you kids can stay up an extra hour tonight!
hubs: APRIL FOOLS!
and we laughed and we laughed…
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) April 2, 2021
I know it’s gonna be hot & heavy when she tells me to take an Aleve before bed
— ADHDean (@ADHDeanASL) April 1, 2021
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny. I have plenty of dying eggs.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) March 31, 2021
Imagine the person who despises you the most. Now imagine living with them. Now imagine teaching them how to be kind person.
That’s raising a teenager.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) March 31, 2021
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