Welcome to another edition of “parents just barely making it,” better known as, “the funniest tweets and memes of the week.”
Here’s a fun little moment from last weekend. We’re waiting for the oldest kid’s soccer game to start. The three of us are kicking around a ball. The ball rolls past me and towards a couple sitting with their dog.
The guy stops the ball, goes to kick it back to me, and looks up and goes “Chris?” We were both startled at the moment. He was surprised to see me at the field and I was shocked because I’m forty minutes from home and didn’t imagine running into anyone I knew.
His name is Kevin. He’s a former semi-pro basketball player. He’s 6’10. I’m 5’7.
After talking for about a minute, the youngest walks over and goes “Dad, do you know him?” and I explain that yes, I do.
She pauses and says, “Ok because you look like a crumb standing next to him.”
Let’s get on with the tweets and memes…
drinking in my 20s made me feel sexy and fun but drinking in my 30s just makes me feel fat and tired and no one told me life was going to be this way clap clap clap clap
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 16, 2021
I'm so glad I taught my kids how to play checkers, giving them yet something else to fight about
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) May 18, 2021
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 16, 2021
Someday my kids will leave home and I’ll miss hearing them bicker with each other, but today is not that day.
— Rock the Kasbah (@MarieLoerzel) May 20, 2021
Everything okay, honey? I’ve noticed you haven’t touched your mulch pile in the driveway.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 20, 2021
“I was today years old” loosely translates to “I just found out I’m a fucking idiot”
— mommaunfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) May 19, 2021
when I was a kid I remember seeing my neighbour sitting on her front porch with no bra in her pjs drinking coffee and I thought wow she’s old and now she’s me
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) May 12, 2021
You don’t have to feed your kids organic food harvested with unicorn tears to be a good mom.
You don’t have to make a home-cooked meal every night to be a good spouse.
And you sure as shit don’t have to have shredded abs and a non-jiggly ass to have a hot girl summer.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) May 20, 2021
Survey: this will take you 25 minutes to complete.
me: like hell it will. Challenge accepted.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 20, 2021
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving!
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these oatmeal colored carpets?
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) May 18, 2021
Our youngest boy has informed us that he has a girlfriend, so now my wife wants me to have "the talk" with him.
I'm pretty excited because the last time I had "the talk" with my oldest boy I picked up some pretty good pointers.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 21, 2021
Let’s focus less on the part where I forgot to bring bathing suits, hats, and sand toys on our beach vacation and more on the part where I remembered to bring the kids and their underwear
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) May 21, 2021
I found the exact length of coaxial cable that I needed in my bag of assorted cords/electronics dating back to the mid 90s
This is a victory for all of us
— The Daddy Penguin (@TheDaddyPenguin) May 20, 2021
When I think about how my mental and physical well being impacts my children’s lives it’s a hell of a lot easier for me to take my own needs seriously.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) May 20, 2021
My 2yo seems to get the phrases “fell down” and “deliberately thrown on the floor” mixed up a lot
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) May 16, 2021
It’s so cute how maps tells me to head west.
Am I headed toward the Chick-fil-A or the Burger King? I’m not a compass.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 20, 2021
I want all three of my kids to be able to be active in sports, but I’m also not a millionaire so you see my dilemma.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) May 20, 2021
I thought dinner time was going well until my 4 year old asked me to cut up his meat balls and I cut up the wrong one
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) May 20, 2021
My 4yo said wouldn’t it be funny if she was the queen and I was her servant and we both laughed and then I cried bc that’s my actual real life
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) May 5, 2021
I need to stop whiteboarding my house plants while on melatonin at 2 am pretending to be Katie Porter.
— Jesse Daniel Lifson (@DoYouEvenLif) May 21, 2021
The CDC now recommends that the kids stay the weekend at grandmas
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) May 15, 2021
Sorry I asked if there would be an open bar a your kid’s preschool graduation party.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 20, 2021
You never get a spiderweb completely off of you.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) May 21, 2021
The CDC says you can buy a Peleton bike without telling everyone
— Satirical Mommy (@MommySatirical) May 20, 2021
My 7 year old: Mom, I like your hugs the best because your tummy is as soft and squishy as Play-Doh.
I turned my womb into an apartment for THIS?!?
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) May 17, 2021
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