My state is on day six of an insane heatwave. It’s hot, humid, and I don’t feel like doing jack squat.
I barely had enough energy to collect the funniest parenting tweets and memes from the past week.
Just moving the mouse around took maximum effort.
Feel free to mail me a trophy or some type of certificate of appreciation. I’ll be waiting by the window with a pair of binoculars, staring at the mailbox.
Don’t disappoint me. It’s too hot for me to be sad.
What my 7yo says: Dad, I'm going to watch this video next to you.
What my 7yo means: Dad, I'm going to blare this shit 2 inches from your ear and then ask if you can see it when I jam it into your face. I'll be doing this all morning.
— Shannon Carpenter (@HossmanAtHome) July 21, 2020
“I’m so tired of social media” she tweeted
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 23, 2020
I just fastened the clasp of my first Lands End bathing suit. My middle aged motherhood journey is now complete.
— Mommy Uncensored (@amomuncensored) July 21, 2020
someone help me explain to my toddler that pea soup is different from pee soup
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) July 22, 2020
When I said I was going to grow as a person the only one who listened was my ass.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 23, 2020
Major accomplishments in 2008: Completed marathon, volunteered and got promoted.
Major accomplishments in 2020: Remembered to move laundry from washer to dryer.
— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) July 23, 2020
Leaving the house, I put on a mask, sunglasses, a hat and headphones.
You guys, I think I’ve turned into Mr. Potato Head.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) July 22, 2020
Babe, talk dirty to me about an early bedtime. I need this.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) July 22, 2020
My favorite part of summer is when my kids ask for the sprinkler and then I turn on the sprinkler and then they cry hysterically if they get wet from the sprinkler and then they yell at me to turn the sprinkler back on after I turn it off
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) July 21, 2020
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 18, 2020
8-year-old: I finished a show. What should I watch next?
Me: Your entire life passing you by.
8: Is it on Netflix?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 23, 2020
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) July 23, 2020
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
— The Dad #BLM Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) July 23, 2020
Me: uh oh, cancel print job
Printer: hold up, I’ve just got to finish printing this and then I’ll get to your request
— C.H.U.D.ney Spears (@chudneyspears) July 23, 2020
I see you only brought one flask. This must be your first night with the PTA
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) July 23, 2020
me: [grabbing his collar] you think this is a fuckin game
son: [crying] i don’t wanna play Uno anymore
— tom (@pilau) July 22, 2020
No one:
4: *walking into the room*
Don’t worry, it’ll dry soon…— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) July 23, 2020
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