The kids are at the beach for the week with their mom and the temps here will hover around the 100s all week with 90% humidity each day.
Because 2020 is trying its damndest to replicate hell on earth.
Sweltering heat and no parenting responsibilities means a week of sitting inside and bored eating for this fella.
I’m going to move all of the food out of my reach so I stop snacking all day but I feel weird asking my neighbor to switch apartments.
At least I have a new toy to pass the time.
I was forced to buy a new phone.
I knew the time had come when the Calendar app just up and disappeared, text messages deleted three years ago magically reappeared, the phone wouldn’t take or save photos, and my kid’s stopped asking to play with it because “it’s a piece of shit.” (Their words)
The only thing I cared about transferring from the old phone to the new phone was my contacts. For some reason, these 3,657 names and emails seemed important.
I was wrong. I ended up deleting over 90%. It was an insane look back at my life over the last ten years.
Old girlfriends, people with just a first name, formers coworkers, people I sold stuff to on Facebook and Craigslist, nine different women named Jen, and over at least a thousand people of whom I have zero recollection.
These people were erased from my life for good (or just a while).
If you text me, and my first few responses are odd, it’s because I accidentally erased your number and I’m not sure who the hell I’m talking to, and I’m too embarrassed to say “I didn’t know you well enough to keep your number.”
Either that or my kids have my phone because it’s not a piece of shit anymore.
I’m trying to keep the new car smell on the phone for as long as possible. If I take it running, I put it in a plastic bag even though it’s in a case with a screen protector. I try not to handle it too much. I don’t even bring it in the bathroom!
This delicate handling will last a little while longer, then I’ll find it in the freezer in the spot usually reserved for ice cream bars.
Those suckers won’t survive the week.
Other Stuff I Did When I Wasn’t Writing On Notes
When I was a kid my cousin – 9 years older – had a friend over.
My cousin gave his friend a bomb popsicle. The friend went into the bathroom, took a dump, and came out with an empty popsicle stick.
I have never forgotten that day.
— Chris Illuminati (@chrisilluminati) July 20, 2020
- Is it OK to make fun of people who get sick after publicly stating they won’t wear a mask in public? Here are my thoughts.
- This mom just discovered Adult Swim after 12 years on the air and she’s not happy about the content.
- Would your family ever do a “Nachos Table”?
- And finally, the podcast I host with my friend and coworker Nick is still chugging along. Check out the archive, if you want to catch up on all the episodes. Watch at least the first few minutes of this week’s episode as Nick drops a personal bombshell on me that I was completely clueless about.
WATCH OUR LATEST EPISODE ON YOUTUBE!
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