As you’ll see from these jokes, we’re right in the thick of summer. July 4th problems, summer camp issues, kids home all day with nothing to do, parents slowly losing their minds after just regaining them back once the world reopened.
Nothing makes for funnier people than extreme duress.
When you do, I’ve got a nice little butt squeeze with your name on it as a thank you.
Ok, now the stars of the show.
Here are the funniest parenting memes, dad jokes, mom puns, parent complaints, tweets, and rants of the week.
Me: *spends $50 taking toddler to the zoo*
Toddler: *has more fun at Target*
— Coffee & Crusts (@CoffeeNCrusts) July 3, 2021
Not a single soul:
My kid: “mom, I know what WAP means…”
— V (@V32951124) July 8, 2021
My 3 year old is playing laser tag with her cousins but all she's doing is yelling "STOP SHOOTING ME AND LET'S TALK ABOUT IT!" and I can't tell if she's a pacifist or a strategist.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 6, 2021
I fell for it when my kids told me that if we got a puppy they would help take care of it.
So if anyone else has any bullshit to sell me I guess now is the time.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) July 8, 2021
I would like to wish Keven Bacon a happy birthday. I hope it's amazing and wonderful Kevin, I love you so much. You make my day. Also, happy birthday to my husband.
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) July 8, 2021
Welcome to parenthood. You just stepped in a puddle. Inside your house.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) July 7, 2021
I want to tell my husband that I’m wrong and he’s right after our last argument, but I don’t want him to get the wrong idea about me.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 8, 2021
For a kid who says he hates loud noises, mine sure likes making them
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) July 8, 2021
I had a doctor appointment at 2. It's now 3. I'm still in the waiting room. Who do I thank around here for this extra time alone?
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 6, 2021
My husband's death certificate will read: MF let a 4-year-old use acrylic paint
— Christina Crawford (@Xtina_Crawford) July 5, 2021
I used a bidet this morning, and now I don’t know how I’ll ever not use one.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) July 5, 2021
Me: [daughter], you’re so cute.
Her, a mouth full of blueberries: No, I’m terrifying.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) July 7, 2021
To whoever came up with the phrase “kids keep you young” – I’d like to see the science behind this nonsense please
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) July 6, 2021
My plants when I get home with more plants pic.twitter.com/KPmnGsV3b5
— Yelisa (@motherplaylist) July 7, 2021
I saw a picture of myself from yesterday’s 4th of July party, so please respect my privacy during this time.
*Lumbers into my dark cave to hide and never re-emerge*
— Mommy Meme Jeans (@mommymemejeans) July 5, 2021
How’s that boss thing going? What did you have to tell that guy to do?
-my 5 yo asking his dad about his day.
— Daisy (@Daisyldoo) July 9, 2021
4th of July Diary, Day 8:
how do the neighbors still have fireworks
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 9, 2021
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 8, 2021
family isn't always blood, y'all pic.twitter.com/S3zpZb57Ty
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) July 8, 2021
The Fastest And The Furiousest : Moms After Counting To 3
— ADHDean (@ADHDeanASL) July 8, 2021
5: mom when can i have a baby
me: when you’re much older
5: oh so big like you
5: like really big then, like giant, really really really big like-
me: i said OLDER
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 5, 2021
Me: Did you have fun today?
Toddler at 4pm:
Toddler at 2am: MAMA!!!!! Guess what happened today…
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) July 8, 2021
Me: will you rub my leg
Husband: hang on, I’m rubbing my balls
marriage is sexy
— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) July 9, 2021
Teenagers frying like a rotisserie chicken under the sun:
“At least I’ll die tan.”
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) July 8, 2021
Realizing I could still refer to someone as my best friend and almost never talk to them is what separates my 20s from my 30s.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 2, 2021
Does it bother anyone else when people in the movies and TV don't say goodbye before they hang up the phone?
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) July 4, 2021
When I was a kid we didn’t have an Xbox we would walk down the railroad tracks and karate fight black bears, no one cared if we lived or died back then
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) July 8, 2021
me: goodnight baby girl,I love you all the way to the moon and back going around every star twice
my 6 yo: I love you to Mexico and back once
— Live Laugh Unhinged 🚮 (@kaL12578) July 8, 2021
A weighted blanket, but it’s my 11-day-old niece sleeping on my chest. 💗
— Gila Pfeffer (@Gilapfeffer) July 7, 2021
I thought my kids would be teenagers when they realized how utterly uncool I am, but I almost ruined my 7YO’s social life by packing a Paw Patrol towel for her to use at camp so I guess the time is now.
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) July 8, 2021
When you were a kid did you ever spend the night at a friends house, come home the next day and your clothes smelled different? Then your mind was blown that every house has its own smell.
— The Spicy Disaster Mama (@spicydisasterma) July 8, 2021
So my question to car manufacturers is, why do we not yet have a built in purse console so we to don’t have to watch our belongings slide all over the place and launch goldfish crackers into the backseat? It’s the 21st century and it seems long overdue.
Signed, moms everywhere.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) July 3, 2021
Home hair dye companies who promise fresh roots in just minutes need to start taking into account the 14 hours of preparation and child bribery it requires for me to carve out those 10 minutes
— Deena Lang (@itsdeenalang) July 7, 2021
I think one of the greatest mysteries of being a boy mom is how I can do so much laundry, yet wash so little underwear.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) July 7, 2021
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