I don’t remember anything funny happening this week. At least nothing to write about.
Oh well, I’ll let other people be funny for me.
Please enjoy this week’s dad jokes, parent complaints, mom puns, tweets, and rants every parent will appreciate.
Forgot to put 14 exclamation points in a text to my teenage daughter and now she thinks I’m mad.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 20, 2021
I complained about my husband never spicing things up and now he’s mowing the lawn in a top hat
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 19, 2021
This time next week I'll be packing two of my kids for college and breaking out the plans to turn their rooms into a secret society high-stakes poker den and moonshine distillery.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 19, 2021
My kids were driving me nuts so I dug out a landline phone and can now enjoy my coffee in peace while they try to figure out how it works
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) August 18, 2021
Nothing like crying in public to get your day back on track
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) August 18, 2021
9-year-old: *turns on Christmas music in August*
9: Because it's my life and this is how I want to live it.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 20, 2021
When your pre-schooler says “it’s fine, don’t panic!” That is absolutely when you need to panic.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) August 20, 2021
Get excited, parents. It’s almost time to lose your kids even faster than normal at a corn maze!
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) August 19, 2021
Attention pot pie makers, three words to consider: oops all crust
— Ygrene (@Ygrene) August 19, 2021
I asked my son what time he wanted me to wake him up on the 1st day of school:
"6:30, so I have enough time to shower & cry."
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 17, 2021
"I didn't take the last of it because I know that's your favorite antacid" is how my husband and I say "I love you" now.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) August 19, 2021
Today we’re celebrating our daughters birthday and it’s also the anniversary of my husband sending a picture of my vagina ejecting our shrieking baby to his family’s group text
— Yelisa (@motherplaylist) August 18, 2021
I used to think my son and I had a telepathic connection because he would often say things I was thinking.
Turns out I just talk out loud to myself, and didn’t realize it.
— Cry It Out Mom (@CryitoutMom) August 19, 2021
So my 6yo was pretty mindblown tonight to find out that fish sticks were made from actual fish that swim…and all I’m saying is that I don’t want to be the one to tell him what chicken nuggets are made of.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) August 19, 2021
Did you pretend to smoke a white crayon like a cigarette as a kid or are you a liar?
— Go Ask Your Dad (@_goaskyourdad_) August 19, 2021
I used to be a D1 athlete.
Now I throw my back out putting my children into their carseats.
That’s all you need to know about getting older.
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) August 18, 2021
Being an adult is super fun because one day you’re on a date night at a great restaurant splurging on a fantastic meal. Then years later, you’re married, standing over the kids’ toilet together trying to unclog it on a Saturday night and end up splurging on an emergency plumber.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) August 18, 2021
Whoever said “you only have 18 years with them so enjoy every minute” never talked to the parent with the 21 year old still at home leaving all the lights on, coming in late at night, eating all the food, did they?
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) August 18, 2021
That’s weird. My husband used the safe word when I suggested us doing keto.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 19, 2021
I'm sorry for the things I said in the school drop off line.
— My Life Is The Pitts Family (@LifePitts) August 18, 2021
My daughter and her best friend FaceTime for hours until one says, “gotta go” and the other says, “okay” and just hangs up and other reasons 9 year-olds are less awkward at socializing than adults.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) August 20, 2021
First night sleeping over —
Me: Do you sleep on the left or right?
Him: I sleep on the side closest to the door so I can be prepared to attack if someone breaks in.
A year and half later —
I guess I’m the one that’s attacking someone breaking in.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) August 19, 2021
Husband: *getting kidnapped* Honey, please help me!
Me: I got you. *throws him a charger cable*
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 19, 2021
6 discovered blippi and well, i discovered i hate blippi.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 20, 2021
I asked the kids if there was anything they wanted from the grocery store and the first thing my daughter asked was, “how is our cheese situation”
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) August 19, 2021
I've stepped on this toy like 5 times and I still won't pick it up. Just patiently waiting for one of my kids to step on it.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) August 19, 2021
MORE FUNNY STUFF TO READ
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