Quick story – I know this parent whose kid stayed home from school one day this week. The kid had a bad head cold and didn’t feel well and hasn’t missed many days of school all year.
In order to prove the kid doesn’t have Covid – even though the kid showed zeros signs of Covid – the kid’s parent needed to show proof of two negative Covid tests so that the kid could go back to school. The parent only had one Covid test in the house but knows for certain the kid doesn’t have Covid.
So, this parent that I know, administered the test to the kid. It came back negative. The parent took a photo of the negative test. The parent then moved to a different part of the room and snapped a photo of the same test.
The kid went back to school the next day.
These are funny times we’re living in.
Please enjoy this collection dad jokes, mom puns, funny tweets, memes, and regular old rants from parents just like us.
My 5 year old just asked where the app was on my phone for calling people. I said yeah, the phone…he said “no, a calling app FOR my phone.”
We’re both really confused.
— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) April 7, 2022
Welcome to parenthood, all your dreams are now stress dreams.
— Mendaciousy Matt (@MomentarilyMatt) April 8, 2022
you know what helps cure a headache? cause it's definitely not 3 kids.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) April 7, 2022
"DON'T LICK BALLS" and other awkward things I scream at my 3yo in the Walmart toy isle.
— The REAL Messy Mom (@TheREALMessyMom) April 7, 2022
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) April 7, 2022
My daughter alerted me that two cars had parked in front of the house. This is the kind of dad energy that makes me proud.
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) April 7, 2022
My son’s first word was “mama” and second word was “cheese” if you’re wondering where I place in my family.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) April 6, 2022
At school the floor is lava, but at home the floor is covered in cereal after my 5yo allegedly “ate breakfast”
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) April 7, 2022
My 12yo begged me to buy her something by promising that in exchange, she’d remember to flush the toilet and turn her clothes inside out before putting them in the hamper, the bar can’t get much lower, people
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 7, 2022
*plays soccer with daughter*
Daughter: why are you breathing so loud??
Me: MIND YOUR BUSINESS
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) April 6, 2022
woke up from a nightmare so I put on some true crime to get back to sleep
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) April 7, 2022
My neighbour got a wind chime. How can I murder him?
— Lara 🌏⬇️🐨 (@Eithercryingor) April 4, 2022
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don't think it's an act.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) April 3, 2022
Every day my daughter regales me with the best stories about recess and when I asked her once why recess is always so dramatic, she said, “Daddy, one recess can change the world.” I think about this a lot.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) April 6, 2022
What is it about Mom being sick that makes everyone else in the house turn their asshole up to 11?
— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) April 7, 2022
When my kids turned 4, I called them the fournado. You never knew which way they would turn.
— @love.you.memeit (@LMemeit) April 7, 2022
Me at 2pm: “I’m exhausted. Is it bedtime yet?”
Also me at 2am: *Google search* “Do polar bears ever feel sad?”
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 21, 2022
I have a teenager, a preteen, and a kindergartner.
So no, you do not want me for your planning committee.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) March 31, 2022
5 asked me what 5+7 was and I said 12 and he said it’s 426 and I said no it’s 12 and he said “NO IT’S 426” and he was pretty convincing so now I’m leaning towards 426
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) April 7, 2022
Don’t get it twisted y’all… I managed to punch myself (Hard) in the jaw whilst trying to put on my wetsuit today. 🥴
— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) April 6, 2022