This morning, someone texted to ask how I was doing and I told them I was feeling pretty good because I “let myself sleep in until 6 am.”
It’s fascinating to reflect on the things I do that now feel like I’m “spoiling myself.”
Alright, let’s laugh and cry along with other parents.
Today I was looking for something and my 11 year old told me where it was and holy shit he was actually right
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) June 7, 2021
Unless your PTA is giving out mimosas and massages to parents for the last day of school, I’m not interested.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) June 11, 2021
4: mummy I like your face
Me: aw thank you sweetie
4: but your hair is so weird you should probably get it cut tomorrow
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) June 9, 2021
when my 6 yo comes into the room and sings "i rub my butt i rub my butt. oh yeah. i rub my butt" while dancing and rubbing his butt everybody laughs, but when i do it i need "counseling" and "should go to AA meetings" and "wear clothes". being an adult is bullshit.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 9, 2021
“Oh, you have kids?” hits differently when it’s spoken like “Oh! …YOU have kids?”
— ADHDean (@ADHDeanASL) June 9, 2021
Parenting on the weekends is just cramming a bunch of activities for your kids to do so they’ll get really tired and hopefully they’ll fall asleep faster that night
— yelisaSwizzy (@motherplaylist) June 10, 2021
the swamp in my cleavage tells me im having a very hot girl summer
— That Mom Tho 🏳️🌈 (@mom_tho) June 10, 2021
The shirt I bought didn’t fit so I exchanged it at Target for a new bookcase, throw pillows, bedding, and kitchen towels.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 10, 2021
Being able to park in your garage is a low key neighborhood flex.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 10, 2021
An older couple saw me open the car door for my wife and came over to compliment me.
moral of the story: older people are nosy
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) June 10, 2021
Being an adult sucks because sometimes you wake up insecure and just wanna message all your friends like “you still like me right?” But you’re not allowed to do that anymore.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) June 9, 2021
What wine pairs best with spending the last half hour of your life watching the vet manually pull shit out of your chihuahua’s ass because he apparently has an impacted hernia, and then telling you that you’ll need to give the dog regular enemas at home?
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) June 4, 2021
My wife still brings up that one time in 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) June 8, 2021
My standard end-of-year present to teachers is a Starbucks gift card, but that seems inadequate this year. Does anyone know where I can buy yachts and Rolexes in bulk?
— Gila Pfeffer (@Gilapfeffer) June 7, 2021
One of the hardest things about raising kids is when you reach the teenager stage and you have to restrain yourself from saying “just you wait” to parents of little kids.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) June 7, 2021
My 3YO: Can you carry my sippy cup?
Me: (carrying his jacket, the baby, the backpack, the car keys) Buddy, can you ask your dad?
Him: Dad only has two hands.
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) June 8, 2021
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” so yeah, maybe I’m a little worried
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) June 9, 2021
I call today Takeout Friday because I don’t want to cook so we order food.
*Not to be confused with Takeout Monday & Takeout Wednesday when I also don’t want to cook so we order food.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) June 11, 2021
My husband sent me a text asking what happened to our savings account so I sent him back a picture of our kids.
— The Spicy Disaster Mama (@spicydisasterma) June 10, 2021
My son is angry at me because I made him a banana smoothie after he asked me for a banana smoothie
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) June 10, 2021
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 10, 2021
I’m not saying DON’T teach your kids proper terminologies but I AM saying that mine called a “force field” a “horse field” for about a year and that was the best year of my life
— Deena Lang (@itsdeenalang) June 8, 2021
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