Just The Notes

Note #800 – Dealing With It

Note #800

I don’t understand how the kids get so many goddamn crumbs on the floor. So many crumbs that one would think we don’t even have a dining room table.

Technically, we don’t have a dining room table. I have a round card table on loan from my parents. My old dining room table was left behind on the curb in front of my old place. Hopefully, another family came along and gave it a lovely home.


I’m dragging my feet on buying an actual dining room table since a substitute dining room table already occupies the space.


I don’t give the dining room table situation a second thought until it’s time to eat a meal. I’ll chastise myself for the half-hour during dinner for being an adult man and father who hasn’t bothered to buy a proper dining room table. I’ll forget all about the dining room table as soon as the dishes are cleared.

Vacuuming up thousands of crumbs, pieces of meat, and entire side dishes off the floor under the table and folding chairs – yes, folding chairs – puts my slight OCD into hyperdrive.

The old dining room chairs kept the other dining room table company on the curb and watched all their furniture friends being put into the moving truck. I imagine it’s the same feeling the unicorns felt watching Noah escort all the other animals onto the arc.

I asked for one Christmas gift from the kids – a handheld vacuum. They listened and gifted me this handy little Dirt Devil. Before the handheld, I’d have to pull out the vacuum after every meal to suck up enough food to send to a homeless shelter.

I’m planning on holding off on buying a table until my kids can learn to keep 99% of the food on the table and not under the table. Until then, my dining room will resemble your grandmother’s basement and give off the vibe that an intense Pinochle session could break out at any moment.


This TikTok was so relatable, and that song was stuck in my damn head for days.

If anyone asks you this on a first date, you have my permission to run.

Sorry to break the news. You’re getting old AF.


That’s all she wrote for this week. Please do me a favor and subscribe to my website to never miss an update. And if you haven’t checked out my line of customized Post-It Notes with 3M, you should do so immediately!

I love you all.

Except you, Greg. Screw you.

– Chris


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Chris Illuminati is a freelance writer and published author. Follow him on Twitter (@chrisilluminati), Instagram (@messagewithabottle) or email him at cilluminati@gmail.com.

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