Side story before jumping into the funny this week…
My daughter is auditioning to be in Jungle Book for her theater group. This will be her third show. Each time, her part has been a little bigger than the prior role.
This time, she got called back to read for the lead. She played the role of Moogli for almost the entire rehearsal.
I told her I was incredibly proud of her and that she’s going to be a star someday.
She replied she’s going to get me a t-shirt that says “Lyla is my daughter” so people will know.
Yup, already letting fame go to her head.
Here are this week’s dad jokes, mom puns, funny tweets, memes, and plain old rants from other parents.
9-year-old: At Cub Scouts, I'm going to get a pocket knife.
6-year-old: Use it for good, not evil.
9: Don't tell me what to do.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 14, 2022
We are trying to be those people with cereal in clear containers but I just don’t know if we have it in us.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 13, 2022
Getting ready to donate some clothes but first I need to drive around with them in my trunk for a year
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) January 13, 2022
me: 6 get ready you have 8 mins before bedtime
6: [sees clock]: I don't have 8 minutes. I have 10
me: I really hate that you can read the clock.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 13, 2022
My doctor gave me a T-shirt and I wore that T-shirt to physical therapy at that doctors office.
I feel like this is the geriatric version of wearing the band shirt to the concert.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) January 13, 2022
It was raining on our drive home from kindergarten today, but my son still asked if he could roll down his window. "No," I said. "You'll get all wet." There was a quiet pause, then he asked, "Can you roll down YOUR window?"
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 12, 2022
Where was this 'piece' of information this 'entire' time?? pic.twitter.com/Max41wgbVE
— ❄Mad☃️Hatter❄Mommy🌲!!! (@MadHatterMommy) January 13, 2022
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
— Mom Meh Dearest🤦🏼♀️ (@mommeh_dearest) January 12, 2022
my husband has been teaching my 3 year old about football but explaining that toys on the floor are maximizing zone coverage was a bit much
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) January 13, 2022
My 4yo is sad because all of the packages that get delivered here are for mommy and not for him.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) January 13, 2022
When people find out I have 3 kids, why do they ask if I’m going to have another?
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) January 10, 2022
I made my son cry by giving him candy, but in my defense, all I did was give him a mint Mentos while he was wearing his mask.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) January 12, 2022
I either forget to eat all day or eat 200,000 calories. There is no in between.
— Jawbreaker ❤️ (@sixfootcandy) January 11, 2022
i used to think i was final girl material, but i'm actually the one who's killed while frantically searching for her glasses
— Raw Motherhood (@MetteAngerhofer) January 13, 2022
of course i believe in magic im about to go to sleep and wake up absolutely fucking exhausted
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) January 12, 2022
My mother always gives me parenting advice which is weird because I'm proof-positive she has no idea what she's talking about.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 14, 2022
My 6 year old was quietly eating his cereal when he paused and said to no one, ‘I hope my sister isn’t a criminal when she grows up,’ and I feel like he summed up my parenting goals nicely.
— Mama Needs A Coke (@MamaNeedsACoke) January 13, 2022
Kids: I can’t believe you haven’t upgraded your phone! Let me just hack into your account and order a new one for you
Also kids: How do I flush the toilet, again?
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) January 14, 2022
me: I almost feel like we're starting to get a rhythm down
kid: sounds like it's time for me to go through another "phase"
— Science Mom 🔬 (@EmSlyce) January 12, 2022
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 13, 2022
If I missed your favorite tweet or meme for the week, let me know!
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