I’m prepping for a four-day weekend with the kids and by prepping I mean “I’m already counting the seconds until Monday night.”
It’s supposed to rain on and off all weekend which will totally wash out all the plans I didn’t make.
Before we get to the funniest tweets and memes, a reminder about the special deal I’m doing with Manscaped. Summer is coming and so is Father’s Day and 20% OFF and Free Shipping just by following this link is pretty badass. Just saying.
Alright, enough soft selling. Let’s laugh a little.
My 11 year old asked how come none of my pants have buttons anymore and frankly I don’t care for this emotional abuse!
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) May 27, 2021
The only way to get out of a hammock as an adult is to hope for the best.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 25, 2021
An escape room, but it’s just me trying to quietly leave the room after the baby goes to sleep
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) May 24, 2021
My wife was telling me she doesn't order a lot from Amazon when she was interrupted by an alert saying her Amazon delivery has arrived.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) May 27, 2021
Hang on, gotta go put my kids to bed 37 times.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 27, 2021
Living in the country is like, I have to drive 45 minutes to get to town and they call it town because there’s a Walmart. I hope this clears things up
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) May 12, 2021
4 looked into my eyes and stroked my cheek.
Then she asked if my face is like this because I’m old.
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) May 27, 2021
Suffer like hell thru the awkward middle & high school years to study your ass off in college, get a masters degree, start a career, get married, have kids, AND get divorced all so that one day your 10 YO can look you deadass in the eyes & ask, “how would YOU even know?”
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) May 27, 2021
1st child – tries not to wake them by avoiding creaking floorboards
3rd child – tries not to wake them by avoiding creaking joints and bones
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) May 27, 2021
Care Bears implies the existence of Don’t Give a Fuck Bears
— Nickelforward (@NickelForward) May 27, 2021
It’s like my grandma always said, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him not be an asshole about it.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) May 27, 2021
It would be more popular if it was called intermittent eating
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) May 28, 2021
Parenting is making sure you have some free time in between your kids activities to fill with more activities and then wondering why you’re always tired
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) May 26, 2021
6 lost his first tooth today. He swallowed it. He wasn't happy I said he'd have to dig through his poop to get money from the tooth fairy.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 28, 2021
One of the things about growing up they don’t tell you is the level of joy one experiences opening a new bottle of dish soap.
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) May 27, 2021
Apparently, being married is just saying the same thing over & over, just for your spouse to say, “you never told me that” even though it’s been said verbally & is documented in written form.
Love that journey for me.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 21, 2021
My 4 yo told us that when she grows up she wants to be “a doctor for kids and have mommy drive her all around to see her patients.”
And I guess what I’m asking is what does it say about me that I would totally do it?
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) May 26, 2021
ME: *sits down on couch holding a drink* awww yeah friday night, let’s get this party started
WIFE: just go to bed you’re going to fall asleep in 5 seconds anyway
ME: [already asleep]
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 22, 2021
Back in the 70s, parents demonstrated their love for their kids by paying the utility bill.
— Rock the Kasbah (@MarieLoerzel) May 26, 2021
The best part about listening to my 5yo tell a story is when I accidentally interrupt her halfway through and she has to start over from the very beginning.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) May 26, 2021
sometimes the best advice is the simplest advice pic.twitter.com/xlH6NmcMf0
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) May 28, 2021
Every time I have a kid my dad powers increase and my sneezes get louder. I feel like thanos collecting the infinity stones
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) May 28, 2021
A vacation from my kids except it’s just them flushing their own poop and not leaving it for me to find.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) May 27, 2021
drinking coffee with oat milk like some kind of asshole
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) May 27, 2021
I’ve attended so many lectures from my wife, once this quarantine ends I’ll graduate as a valedictorian
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) May 27, 2021
I found the best way to get rid of headaches is to make them go play outside.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 28, 2021
I’m starting to think my wife and I have different definitions of wonderful.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) May 27, 2021
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