I made a friend at the gym. He’s an older guy, possibly in his late 70s. He’s super friendly but he’s a talker. An interesting talker but a talker nonetheless.
Most days, I don’t mind talking but some days I just want to get in and out. The gym isn’t crowded when we’re there so he’s sometimes hard to avoid.
I have a ton of stuff to do today. I needed to be in and out of the gym quicker than Taco Bell through my body. I saw the old guy walking not far and ducked behind a machine to avoid being spotted. He walked by without noticing me or half my frame tucked behind a curl machine.
I must be some type of ninja. I can’t wait until the kids get home to try this tactic again.
Here are this week’s dad jokes, mom puns, funny tweets, memes, and plain old rants from other parents.
told someone i was 36 today. 10 hours later i remembered I'm 38.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 21, 2022
Like finding a needle in the haystack but it’s a single flake of parsley in my daughter’s dinner aannnnddd she found it.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 19, 2022
*gets out of shower and sits on edge of bed* now what?
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) January 20, 2022
One thing I’ve learned as a parent is if you are wondering why the vacuum smells like maple syrup it’s probably because your kid decided to vacuum up some maple syrup.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 20, 2022
9-year-old: We got pocket knives at Cub Scouts!
Me: That's a big responsibility.
9: When do we get swords?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 21, 2022
Today is Wednesday, January 37th.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) January 19, 2022
According to my 10 y/o daughter you can deny a kid’s request to eat a doughnut for dinner or you can “just let a kid live her life” and there appears to be no room for compromise.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) January 21, 2022
I consider Live Laugh Love a gang sign
— Science Mom 🔬 (@EmSlyce) January 20, 2022
If you post a picture taken inside your house I WILL zoom in to make sure your house isn’t cleaner than mine
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) January 21, 2022
Looked up pictures of my house on Zillow so I could remind myself what it was like when my house was clean
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) January 19, 2022
Wife, trying to fit a toothbrush into our protesting son's mouth: "If you don't let me in it's not going to be fast."
Me: "I'm going to say that next time we have sex."
— Campfire Burning (@campfireburning) January 20, 2022
I suggested to my daughter we may need two trips to get the groceries in and she stared at me sternly and said, ‘mother, I am a one trip wonder,’ so I suppose her transition to adulthood is complete.
— Mama Needs A Coke (@MamaNeedsACoke) January 18, 2022
Welcome to 2022 where we are now entering the terrible two’s portion of this pandemic.
— Jenna S. (@Thatmidwestmom) December 29, 2021
Parenting means bolting awake at midnight from your doorbell notification that someone is at your front door only to find out it's your teen getting a DoorDash delivery of Chicken McNuggets.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 21, 2022
It's my oldests birthday today, meaning I have survived parenthood for 10 whole years now. This also means that he has survived my parenting for 10 years. Go us!
— Just Heather 🖤 (@weedswildflowrs) January 21, 2022
dead inside but still eating cheese
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) January 21, 2022
go ahead and call me. you've got maybe 30 seconds before all you hear is me saying "mhmm" and lots of screaming
— Xennaissance Dad (@XennDad) January 21, 2022
My husband just accused me of marrying him for free tech support. I’m not gonna lie, it was in my the top 3 reasons
— Jawbreaker ❤️ (@sixfootcandy) January 18, 2022
It’s impossible to effectively communicate “stop yelling!” without also yelling
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) January 20, 2022
Ways to make a teen roll their eyes:
1. Say, "Good morning"
2. Tell them you love them
3. Look at them
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) January 21, 2022
Have you ever been talking with your kid and you can feel it brewing into a full blown argument but you manage to some how diffuse it without either of you raising your voice and you both go away happy and understood – that feeling is a parenting drug right there
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) January 20, 2022
5 said she doesn’t need to go to school anymore because she can already count up to 10 and that’s enough because she probably won’t ever eat more than 10 cupcakes
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) January 20, 2022
My 4yo is always wearing Spider-Man clothes but refuses to watch Spider-Man and this is my life as a parent
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) January 15, 2022
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she's doing to give me advice whenever I'm struggling, "maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns." That's a good point, thanks.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) January 21, 2022
“I’m drink hungry.”
-My 4yo forgetting the word thirsty
— Mom Meh Dearest🤦🏼♀️ (@mommeh_dearest) January 15, 2022
If I missed your favorite tweet or meme for the week, let me know! Please remember to subscribe to my website to never miss an update if you haven’t already.
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