Welcome to another installment of “parents just barely making it,” better known as, the funniest parenting memes & tweets this week.
My area is bracing for a huge winter storm. Eight to 12 inches of snow.
Eh, whatever, I’ve got everything I need to make french toast, so I’m good.
If you’re going to be stuck in the house with nothing to do, check out my list of the books everyone should read in 2022 and get them delivered before the hard stuff starts to fall.
OK, onto funny shit.
Here are this week’s dad jokes, mom puns, funny tweets, memes, and plain old rants from other parents.
13yo Why don't boys get periods?
Me: Because the world economy would shut down for a week every month
— Lara 🌏⬇️🐨 (@Eithercryingor) January 16, 2022
Penis jokes at an all-time high as the Northeast braces for at least 8 inches.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 28, 2022
I have been depressed and lonely and very much lacking in dopamine, so needless to say I've got some weird ass packages on the way.
— Just Heather 🖤 (@weedswildflowrs) January 28, 2022
like so many others i have used the last few years to hone in on my skills and am proud to say im now what you might consider a sweatpants connoisseur
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) January 23, 2022
my 39-week pregnant wife: *tired and irritable*
me, an empath: this has something to do with the baby
— Xennaissance Dad (@XennDad) January 25, 2022
my 6 yr old asked how people first got on earth. I explained that science believed evolution is what created people – she nods, listening. I say, “religion thinks that a god dropped the first two people on the earth.”
she glares at me and says, “well, that didn’t happen”
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) January 28, 2022
Baby started making “dada” sounds so naturally my wife’s mad at me
— Dad Set Against (@DadSetAgainst) January 27, 2022
Me: What is that smell?!
12: *looks around and sniffs armpit* Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that I'm out of deodorant.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) January 28, 2022
me: 6, is your food gone?
6: yea my shoes are on!
me:
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 27, 2022
9-year-old: It's snowing! Do we still have school?!
Me: Yes. But if they did cancel, you would still have online school.
9: There's no escape, is there?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 28, 2022
Girl twin: can I have your toy
Boy twin: no
GT: please
BT: you can have it for 7 weeks
GT: I want it for 3 weeks
BT: well maybe 11 weeks
GT: 2 weeks?
BT:
GT:
BT: ok— MumInBits (@MumInBits) January 27, 2022
42% of your time with a baby is spent adjusting the buttons you got wrong when doing up a onesie
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) January 26, 2022
5yo: Dad, can I have some candy?
Me: Haha. No. It’s almost dinner.
5yo: You have just made a powerful enemy.
— Dad to the Bone (@Dad_ToThe_Bone) January 28, 2022
Wheeled a rival dad’s garbage can back up his driveway so it doesn’t sit out by the road all weekend again.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 28, 2022
I won’t make a $300 purchase with $25 shipping but I will make a $325 purchase with free shipping. It’s called being financially responsible.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 26, 2022
while spotify is currently deleting artists i feel like this is the time to request nickelback be taken down too?
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 27, 2022
4: *eating a corn dog*
Me: Can I have a bite?
4: You can bite the stick.
— Mom Meh Dearest🤦🏼♀️ (@mommeh_dearest) January 23, 2022
“Mama help me un-inside this out” and other things your toddler says that actually make perfect sense
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) January 28, 2022
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
— Science Mom 🔬 (@EmSlyce) January 26, 2022
Daughter says she’s over school because they keep “testing us with questions we don’t know the answers to,” so I guess 4th Grade is when you realize life is unfair.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) January 27, 2022
30% of parenting is telling your kids to not lean on things.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) January 27, 2022
I’m about to parallel park good luck everyone else
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) January 27, 2022
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If I missed your favorite tweet or meme for the week, let me know! Please remember to subscribe to my website to never miss an update if you haven’t already.
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