I can tell we’re getting closer to the holidays because everyone is a little bit more on edge.
Hopefully, this week’s dad jokes, mom puns, funny tweets, memes, and plain old rants will leave you a little less stressed.
5-year-old: I took a bath this morning. When do I have to take one again?
5: *muttering* They never stop.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 11, 2021
making a mix tape for my husband.
what are some good songs about settling for someone?
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) November 10, 2021
Nothing exposes how truly terrible you are at drawing like becoming a parent
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 10, 2021
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
— Mama Needs A Coke (@MamaNeedsACoke) November 9, 2021
An important step in making a dinner that all my kids will eat is making sure I get every last speck of powdered cheese out of the packet.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 11, 2021
10 y/o daughter’s friend told me she loves coffee saying, “when I get some I drink as much as I can because I don’t know when I’ll get it again,” and I had to give props because that pretty much describes my commitment to beer in college.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) November 11, 2021
my wedding vows made no mention of the amount of throw pillows that would be entering my life
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) November 11, 2021
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) November 9, 2021
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) November 10, 2021
Anything starting after 8:00 right now may as well be at 3 AM.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 10, 2021
Doctor: You should stay off that ankle for a couple days.
Me: *texting husband* Honey, the doctor said you have to do everything for at least 2 months.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) November 3, 2021
*bans the word ‘actually’ from my 10 year old’s vocabulary
— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) November 11, 2021
Absolutely no one:
Me: oh you didn’t notice that awkward thing I just did? Let me tell you about it in detail then.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) November 10, 2021
Me: this whole thing is confusing
Him: what whole thing?
Me: *points to toddler*
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) November 11, 2021
as a kid: bike-riding injury
as a teen: sports injury
as an adult: sleeping injury
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 11, 2021
When my wife gets upset at me I steal her phone and say things like“fashion hearing aid” “old people clothes” and “save the ostrich”. Then, I let the targeted ads do their magic
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) November 10, 2021
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